View Single Post
Old 10-30-2017, 11:58 AM   #39
Aiwendil
Late Istar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,149
Aiwendil has been trapped in the Barrow!
Here is my new draft for chapter 1. I have kept most of Findegil's edit numbers, though in some cases where the edit has changed significantly, I've added a distinguishing letter.

Normal Text is from the basic text that is mentioned above.
Bold Text = source information, comments and remarks
{to be deleted} = text that should be deleted
[ ] = normalised text
<source > = additions with source information
underlined = text inserted for grammatical reason
/ / = outline expansion

Quote:
BoT-01 <AAm
1 Of the Beginning of Time
>BoT-02 <MT, 2 After the Valar, who before were the Ainur of the Great Song, entered into Eä . . .

Chief of the Valar of Arda was he whom the Eldar afterwards named Manwė, the Blessed: the Elder King, since he was the first of all kings in {[Arda >] }Eä. … that is: that comes from wills and being{ [sic]} that are other than Arda itself.

And as is known well, the prime among these is Melkor. . . .

As a shadow Melkor did not then conceive himself. . . . And Melkor was jealous, therefore, of all other brightnesses, and wished to take all light unto himself. BoT-02.5 {Therefore Ilśvatar, at the entering in of the Valar into Eä, added a theme to the Great Song which was not in it at the first Singing, and he called one of the Ainur to him. . . . and the giving would be void.}

When therefore at last Melkor discovered the abiding place of Manwė and his friends he went thither in great haste, as a blazing fire. And finding that already great labours had been achieved without his counsel, he was angered, and desired to undo what was done or to alter it according to his own mind,> BoT-03<Ainulindalė D and he said to the Valar: 'This shall be my own kingdom! And I name it unto myself!'

But Manwė was the brother of Melkor in the mind of Ilśvatar, . . . And Manwė said unto Melkor: 'This kingdom thou shalt not take for thine own, wrongfully, for many others have laboured here {no less than thou}.' And there was strife between Melkor and the Valar{, and for a time Melkor departed and withdrew to other regions and did there what he would, but he did not put the desire of the kingdom of Arda from his heart}.>

AINU-11 <Ainulidale D Thus began the first battle of the Valar and Melkor for the dominion of Arda; and of those tumults {we}[the Elves] know but little;{ for know thou, Ęlfwine,} what {I have}[has been] declared{ unto thee} is come from the Valar themselves, with whom{ we of} the Eldaliė spoke in the land of Valinor, and {we were}[by whom they were] instructed{ by them}; but little would {they}[the Valar] ever tell of the days of war ere the coming of the Elves. But this {said Rśmil in the end of the Ainulindalė which I have recounted to thee:} BoT-04 <Ainulidale D {This} tale {I have heard also among}[was learned from] the lore masters in ages past. For they tell us that the war began before Arda was full-shaped, and ere yet there was anything that grew or walked upon earth, and for long Melkor had the upper hand.>{that the}The Valar endeavoured ever, in despite of Melkor, to rule the Earth and to prepare it for the coming of the Firstborn; . . . slowly nonetheless the Earth was fashioned and made firm.>

BoT-06b <AAm It came to pass that hearing afar of the war in Arda Tulkas the Strong came thither out of distant regions of Ėa to the aid of Manwė. Then Arda was filled with the sound of his laughter, but he turned a face of anger towards Melkor; and Melkor fled before his wrath and his mirth, and forsook Arda.{, and there was a long peace.}> BoT-08 <MT II This is named the First Battle; and though Manwė had the victory, great hurt was done to the work of the Valar.> BoT-8.6 <Ainulindalė D Thereafter there was peace for a long age. And Tulkas remained and became one of the Valar of the kingdom of Arda; but Melkor brooded in the outer darkness, and his hate was given to Tulkas for ever after{.},> BoT-09<Ainulidale D but he did not put the desire of the kingdom of Arda from his heart.>

BoT-10<Ainulidale D But the Valar now took to themselves shape and hue; . . . even as with us male and female may be shown by the raiment, but is not made thereby. BoT-11 <Words, Phrases and Passages- Eldarin roots and stems, PE17 <The fanar <taken from above [or "raiment"]> of the Great Valar were said, by the Elves who had dwelt in Valinor, usually to have had a stature greater than that of tallest Elves, and when performing some great deed, or issuing great commands, to have assumed an awe-inspiring height.>

BoT-12{And Manwė and Ulmo and Aulė were as Kings; but Varda was the Queen of the Valar, and the spouse of Manwė, and her beauty was high and terrible and of great reverence. Yavanna was her sister, and Yavanna espoused Aulė; but Nienna dwells alone, even as does Ulmo. And these with Melkor are the Seven Great Ones of the Kingdom of Arda. }AINU-09 But{ think not, Ęlfwine, that} the shapes wherein the AINU-10 Great Ones array themselves are not at all times like unto the shapes of kings and queens of the Children of Ilśvatar; for at whiles they may clothe them in their own thought, made visible in forms terrible and wonderful. And {I myself}, long years agone, in the land of the Valar {have seen }Yavanna has been seen in the likeness of a Tree; and the beauty and majesty of that form could not be told in words, not unless all the things that grow in the earth, from the least unto the greatest, should sing in choir together, making unto their queen an offering of song to be laid before the throne of Ilśvatar.>

BoT-13b <AAm Now the Valar began their labours anew; . . . Aulė therefore wrought two great lamps, as it were of silver and of gold and yet translucent, and Varda filled them with hallowed fire, to give light to the Earth.> BoT-13.5 <Ainulindalė D {and}And the Valar set them upon high pillars, more lofty far than are any mountains of the later days. One lamp they raised near to the North of Middle-earth, and it was named {[Forontė >]} Illuin; and the other was raised in the South, and it was named {[Hyarantė >]} Ormal; and the light of the Lamps of the Valar flowed out over the Earth, so that all was lit as it were in a changeless Day.

Quote:
[NN ‘Grasses’; Artist; no. 196; p. 198]
Then the seeds that Yavanna had sown began swiftly to sprout and to burgeon. . . And beasts {[struck out: and birds]} came forth and dwelt in the grassy plains, . . . for these things waited still their time in the bosom of {Palśrien}[Kementįri]; but wealth there was of her imagining, . . . And there upon the Isle of Almaren in the Great Lake was the first dwelling of the {gods}[Valar] when all things were young, and new-made green was yet a marvel in the eyes of the makers{; and they were long content}.> BoT-15 <AAm But the Valar were seldom there gathered in company, for ever they would fare abroad in Arda, each in his own business.

Quote:
[Floral Designs; Pictures; no. 45]
And it came to pass that at last the Valar were content, . . . in the days of their labour.>

BoT-15.1 <AAm* Now Melkor knew of all that was done; . . . he resolved to destroy it.>

<Now therefore the Valar were gathered upon Almaren . . .

Then Tulkas slept, being weary and content, and Melkor deemed that his hour had come. And he passed, therefore, over the Walls of BoT-15.2{the} Night with his host, and he came to Middle-earth in the North; and the Valar were not aware of him. BoT-15.5 <Ainulindalė D {and}And he {also} took visible form, but because of his mood, and the malice that increased in him, that form was dark and terrible. And he descended upon Earth in power and majesty greater than any other of the Valar, as a mountain that wades in the sea and has its head above the clouds and is clad in ice and crowned with fire and smoke; and the light of his eyes was like a flame that withers with heat and pierces with a deadly cold.>

BoT-15.6 {Now Melkor began the delving and building of a vast fortress deep under Earth, beneath dark mountains where the light of Illuin was dim. That stronghold was named Utumno. And though the Valar knew nought of it as yet,} <AAm* Now Melkor began the delving and building of a vast fortress deep under the Earth, {[struck out: beneath the roots of]} far from the light of Illuin; and he raised great mountains above his halls. That stronghold was after called Utumno the Deep-hidden; and though the Valar for a long time knew nothing of it nonetheless the evil of Melkor and the blight of his hatred flowed out thence, and the Spring of Arda was marred>[ b]BoT-16[/b]<Ainulidale D §32{Thence he sent forth his power and turned again to evil much that had been well begun}; so that green things fell sick and rotted, . . . and beasts became monsters of horn and ivory and dyed the earth with blood.> BoT-17 <MT; 2 The Valar therefore, when they became aware by the signs of evil that were seen upon Earth that Melkor had stolen back, sought in vain for him, though {Tulcas}[Tulkas] and Oromė went wide over Middle-earth even to the uttermost East.>

BoT-21 <AAm But Melkor, trusting in the strength of Utumno and the might of his servants, came forth suddenly to war, and struck the first blow, ere the Valar were prepared. {And}[He came down like a black storm from the North, and] he assailed the lights of Illuin and Ormal, . . .

In the confusion and the darkness Melkor escaped, though fear fell upon him; . . . But he came to Utumno ere Tulkas could overtake him; and there he lay hid. BoT-24 And the Valar could not at that time overcome him, for <LQ {In the darkness and the confusion of the seas the Valar could not at that time overcome Melkor; for} his strength had increased with his malice, and he had now gathered to his service many other spirits, and many evil things also of his own making.> And moreover the greater part of their strength was needed to restrain the tumults of the Earth, . . . where the Children of Ilśvatar were dwelling{, who were yet to come in a time that was hidden from the Valar.}>
BoT-01: We had agreed to use ‘Of the Beginning of Time’ as the title for the first chapter, taken from the heading in AAm, ‘Of the beginning of time and its reckoning’.

BoT-02: We agreed to retain this extract from MT.

BoT-02.5: I’ve taken out this section from MT, since it is part of the ‘Primeval Light’ story.

BoT-03: I altered the editing slightly from Findegil’s version to make the join between MT and Ainulindale smoother.

AINU-11: These changes were agreed on in the Ainulindalė thread.

BoT-04: I retained the ‘For they tell us that’ that Findegil deleted; I think this is fine since we still say this information comes from the loremasters.

BoT-05: I omitted this addition, because looking at it now it seems redundant with the preceding passage from the Ainulindalė.

BoT-06b: I take Tulkas’s entrance from AAm.

BoT-08: This sentence from MT II doesn’t add much, but I see no problem with it either. We could leave it out or put it in.

BoT-08.6: From the Ainulindalė I take the statement that Tulkas became one of the Valar, a detail missing in AAm.

BoT-09: I edited this very slightly differently from Findegil, combining sentences instead of starting a new one.

BoT-10: As in Findegil’s draft.

BoT-11: As in Findegil’s draft.

BoT-12: As in Findegil’s draft.

AINU-09: As in Findegil’s draft.

AINU-10: As in Findegil’s draft.

BoT-13b, -13.5: I use AAm and Ainulindalė for the making of the Lamps, which I think chops the text up less.

BoT-15: As in Findegil’s draft.

BoT-15.1: This paragraph from AAm was emended in the typescript AAm*, and we should use the final version.

BoT-15.2: Change of ‘Walls of the Night’ to ‘Walls of Night’ from the typescript AAm*

BoT-15.5: I’ve moved this passage telling of Melkor taking physical form (Findegil’s BoT-20) slightly. In Findegil’s version, we tell that he re-enters Arda and delves Utumno and then say that he takes physical form; this requires a change to the statement that he ‘descended upon Earth’. I think that, in contrast, the Ainulindalė (from which the passage comes) suggests that he assumed physical form immediately before re-entering Arda - hence ‘descending’.

BoT-15.6: The beginning of this paragraph was emended in AAm*.

BoT-16: As in Findegil’s draft.

BoT-17: As in Findegil’s draft.

BoT-19: I omit this, as it is redundant with what follows from AAm.

BoT-20: Moved to become BoT-15.5

BoT-21: Without the BoT-20 passage intervening, there’s no need to change ‘But’ to ‘And’. I also incorporate a change from AAm* here.

BoT-24: As discussed above, I merge the AAm and LQ versions here. Also, the last phrase here was omitted in the typescript AAm*, so I omit it here.

Last edited by Aiwendil; 10-30-2017 at 07:02 PM.
Aiwendil is offline   Reply With Quote