View Single Post
Old 09-28-2017, 12:14 AM   #3
ArcusCalion
Quentingolmo
 
ArcusCalion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 525
ArcusCalion has just left Hobbiton.
Here are my comments. This was another great draft, Fin, and I do not have too many comments. Anything I do not mention I agree to.

EPE-EX-10: Why change twice to once? The island has been used to ferry the Vanyar and Noldor to Valinor, and then is brought back to ferry the Teleri. it is thus exposed to the light of the trees twice.

EPE-EX-12.1: In the phrase "bay of Arvalin" you changed it to "Avathar." In the old conception of the beginning of the Lost Tales, Arvalin was a catch-all name for what would become both Avathar and Araman, and thus the bay was right in the middle. As Avathar is only to the south of the bay, I think this change shouldtus be to "Elvenhome" or "Elende," as Avathar is not really accurate.

EPE-EX-12.2: In the next paragraph, There are two instances of the name "Silpion" that need to be changed to "Telperion." In addition, in this section:
Quote:
Here was the place that those fair Elves bethought them to dwell{, and the Gods they named that hill Kor by reason of its roundness and its smoothness}. Thither did Aulė bring all the dust of {magic}[marvelous] metals ...
The word magic I have changed to marvelous, as it cannot stand as is.

EPE-EX-12.3: Where the Lost Tales insertion returns to the QS text, because the city has just been described, a "Thus" is need to smooth the transition. I know we dont change for reasons of style, but we make this exception in order to transition between insert and base text.

EPE-EX-16: this may be considered too purely stylistic, but I was wondering if we could change "beyond their anchorage {you reach}[are reached] the Magic Isles,". In the original version, someone is telling this story to Eriol, thus the you.

EPE-EX-16.1: In the concluding bit:
Quote:
But the farthest shore of those Shadowy Seas is {Arvalin or Erumani}[Avathar] to the far south, and Araman to the north, but {more northerly}[in the center] do they lap the very coasts of Eldamar, and here are they broader to one faring west.
The geography is wrong. The shadowy seas extend on both sides of the bay, both north and south. We either need to remove this bit, or ad in an editorial addition like what I have italicized above. As another note, in all subsequent occurrences of "Arvalin" I would change it to "Avathar and Araman," not just Avathar, for reasons already given.

EPE-EX-16.2: Further on we have:
Quote:
But the {Teleri}[Vanyar] and Inwir gathered {[?}harvest{]} of poesy and song
Inwir should be Ingwi, as per the Shibboleth of Feanor, or Ingar as per the Laws and Customs.

EPE-EX-21: I could not find your marker for 21, so I used the number for my comment. In this bit in the Names section:
Quote:
The Sindar knew little of the Valar and had no names for any of them, save Oromė (whom all the Eldar had seen and known); and Manwė and Varda of whose eminence they had been instructed by Oromė; and the Great Enemy whom the Noldor called Melkor. For Oromė a name had been made in Primitive Eldarin (recalling the sound of his great horn) of which Oromė was the Quenya form, though in Sindarin it had become Araw, and by the Sindar he was later more often called (Aran) Tauron 'the (king) forester'. Manwė and Varda they knew only by the names 'Elder King' and 'Star-queen': Aran Einior and Elbereth. Melkor they called Morgoth 'the Black Enemy', refusing to use the Sindarin form of Melkor: Belegur 'he that arises in might', save (but rarely) in a deliberately altered form Belegurth 'Great Death'. These names Tauron, Aran Einior, Elbereth, and Morgoth the Noldor adopted and used when speaking Sindarin.
This is wrong, as there are Sindarin names for almost all the Valar, except Nienna and Vana. (Ulmo = Ulu, Guiar, Gulma; Aule = Óli, Ōl; Yavanna = Ivon, Ivann; Mandos = Bannos; Lorien = Lśrin, Glurim; Este = Idh; Tulkas = Tulcus; Vaire = Gwīr; Nessa = Neth) In addition, we have stated that Orome told the Elves his given Valarin name of Aromez, which they simply changed to Orome /Araw. Should these other names be included? or should this passage be edited some other way at least to reflect their existence and the origin of the name of Orome?

EPE-EX-21.1: For {Žerinde}[Serindė] why? Would it not be better to include the main text of the Shibboleth about the tension between Feanor and Fingolfin bc of his shibboleth?

EPE-EX-21.2: Right before marker 22, it says "as in Curufim" with a direction that this will be addressed later. However, the word Curufim is not mentioned again, although the fim > fin issue is. should this remain as is?

EPE-EX-23: I see that this cannot be used here, but it should be used in the Ruin of Beleriand chapter.

EPE-EX-23.1: in the footnote:
Quote:
Kįno meant in Quenya 'commander', usually as the title of a lesser chief, especially one acting as the deputy of one higher in rank. [footnote to the text: It was a derivative of Common Eldarin KAN 'cry, call aloud', which developed divergent meanings (like 'call' in English or the Germanic stem hait-) depending on .....
the italicized part must go as it references English and German in the text. same for the later
Quote:
and often applied to lamentation (though not as English 'cry' to weeping tears): ....
EPE-EX-23.2: The footnote: "See note XX on pageYY" I am not sure what it means.

EPE-EX-29: I would say he could be included, but the editorial addition should be different, as this does not work. Maybe just (such as Elulindo) instead of "as"

EPE-EX-31.1: In this sentence:
Quote:
Airė was used by the Eldar as a title of address to the Valar and the greater Mįyar.
Is Mayar simply a variant spelling of Maiar? is it his new standard? or is it something we should change?

EPE-EX-32.1: All the additions about Nerdanel's father here have been added into the DoV chapter, but they fit much better here. Thus we must be sure to remove them from the DoV draft.

EPE-EX-32.5: Another footnote is added right after Urundil 'copper-lover':
Quote:
RUN 'red, glowing', most often applied to things like embers, hence adjective runya, Sindarin ruin ' "fiery" red'. The Eldar had words for some metals, because under Oromė’s instruction they had devised weapons against Morgoth's servants especially on the March, but the only ones that appear in all Eldarin languages were iron, copper, gold and silver (ANGA, URUN> MALAT> KYELEP).
EPE-EX-34.1: Why delete the last bit from the Maedros paragraph about the russ- / -ros part of his name?

That is everything I saw! It is so good to have this chapter added to my drafts, I have been excited to see how it would turn out!

Last edited by ArcusCalion; 09-28-2017 at 12:17 AM.
ArcusCalion is offline   Reply With Quote