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Morthoron · 07-12-2008, 11:55 PM

ROAST MUTTON, PART IV

Narrator: When last we left our band of intrepid questers, Blibo's feet were near crushed by the wicked trolls and the dwarves were all in sacks, individually wrapped for a homemaker's convenience. Just pop them in boiling water, heat and serve. Voila! You have a tasty and economical meal for even the most trollish of appetites...

Thorin: HMMMMPPPPHHHMMMMPPPHHH!

Narrator: Right. Sorry. The unsuspecting trolls were gleefully preparing for their meal, but they never expected [cue menacing music]...THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Ha-ha-ha, just had to throw that one in there!

Thorin: HMMMMPPPPHHHMMMMPPPHHH!

Narrator: Yes, yes, hold your sack on. As I was saying, little did the unwitting trolls know that even now Gandalf had returned, just in the nick of time!

Thorin: HMMPH-MMH!

Narrator: You're welcome.

A voice like Berts: It was Thomas Jefferson who rightly said, "Take from Plato his sophisms, futilities and incomprehensibilities, and what remains? His foggy mind."

William: [who thought it was Bert speaking] Don't start that argument all over again, Bert, or it'll take all night!

Bert: [who thought it was William speaking] Who's arguing, I should like to know? I thought you had an epiphany and were finally agreeing with Tom and I regarding the modern rejection of Plato.

William: I'll epiphany you all right! Stop arguing, you lout!

Bert: I was not arguing, and I demand you retract you assertion!

William: I shall not!

A voice like Tom's speaking: Well, Friedrich Nietzsche did say "Plato is a bore."

William: [who thought it was Tom speaking] See? Now you've got Tom in on it, with his boorish asides!

Tom: [who thought it was Bert speaking] I'm not in on nothing! But Bert's got a point about Nietzsche's appraisal...and what do you mean by boorish asides?

William: Nietszche? Bah! A syphilitic mental-case mumbling nihilistic aphorisms!

A voice like Bert's speaking: Well, Thomas Aquinas was so grossly obese he should have named his philosophy Elasticism rather than Scholasticism!

William: [who thought it was Bert speaking] Oh, very clever, Bert! Did you think that one up all by yourself, or did you confer with the other buffoon?

Bert: [who thought it was William speaking] Who's the buffoon? You're the idiot arguing with himself, like some contradictory schizophrenic!

Narrator: And so, the philosphical battle of intellectual giants (well, trolls, actually) raged on through the evening, and into the night, and right up to the break of day, when...

William: And isn't that just like an existentialist, trying to get the last posit in...

Bilbo: Well, would you look at that, the trolls have turned to stone!

Gandalf: [appearing from behind some bushes] Of course they turned to stone, dear Bilbo, trolls can't take the sunlight.

Bilbo: I get a rash myself. [suddenly noticing Gandalf's unexpected arrival]. Gandalf! Then it was you throwing your voice that caused the trolls to argue! Hey, wait a minute! Where have you got off to? We nearly drownded in the rain, froze without a fire and were about to be fricasseed by pretentious trolls!

Gandalf: Errrmm...I had to run an important errand.

*FLASHBACK SEQUENCE -- Gandalf mind wanders back to the day spa at Rivendell, with elvish maidens massaging him in a hot tub.*

Bilbo: An important errand? Out here in the wilderness?

Gandalf: [clears his throat] Never you mind, Bilbo. You are, after all, a small person in a large world; while a wizard's toil is great and never ends.

Biblo: Well, yes...of course. Forgive me.

Gandalf: Think nothing of it, dear boy, but lets make haste and get these dwarves out of their sacks. They're near to suffocation, I'd wager.

Thorin: HMMPH-MMH!

Gandalf: My pleasure.

TO BE CONTINUED...

07-12-2008, 11:55 PM	#36
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,504	ROAST MUTTON, PART IV Narrator: When last we left our band of intrepid questers, Blibo's feet were near crushed by the wicked trolls and the dwarves were all in sacks, individually wrapped for a homemaker's convenience. Just pop them in boiling water, heat and serve. Voila! You have a tasty and economical meal for even the most trollish of appetites... Thorin: HMMMMPPPPHHHMMMMPPPHHH! Narrator: Right. Sorry. The unsuspecting trolls were gleefully preparing for their meal, but they never expected [cue menacing music]...THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Ha-ha-ha, just had to throw that one in there! Thorin: HMMMMPPPPHHHMMMMPPPHHH! Narrator: Yes, yes, hold your sack on. As I was saying, little did the unwitting trolls know that even now Gandalf had returned, just in the nick of time! Thorin: HMMPH-MMH! Narrator: You're welcome. A voice like Berts: It was Thomas Jefferson who rightly said, "Take from Plato his sophisms, futilities and incomprehensibilities, and what remains? His foggy mind." William: [who thought it was Bert speaking] Don't start that argument all over again, Bert, or it'll take all night! Bert: [who thought it was William speaking] Who's arguing, I should like to know? I thought you had an epiphany and were finally agreeing with Tom and I regarding the modern rejection of Plato. William: I'll epiphany you all right! Stop arguing, you lout! Bert: I was not arguing, and I demand you retract you assertion! William: I shall not! A voice like Tom's speaking: Well, Friedrich Nietzsche did say "Plato is a bore." William: [who thought it was Tom speaking] See? Now you've got Tom in on it, with his boorish asides! Tom: [who thought it was Bert speaking] I'm not in on nothing! But Bert's got a point about Nietzsche's appraisal...and what do you mean by boorish asides? William: Nietszche? Bah! A syphilitic mental-case mumbling nihilistic aphorisms! A voice like Bert's speaking: Well, Thomas Aquinas was so grossly obese he should have named his philosophy Elasticism rather than Scholasticism! William: [who thought it was Bert speaking] Oh, very clever, Bert! Did you think that one up all by yourself, or did you confer with the other buffoon? Bert: [who thought it was William speaking] Who's the buffoon? You're the idiot arguing with himself, like some contradictory schizophrenic! Narrator: And so, the philosphical battle of intellectual giants (well, trolls, actually) raged on through the evening, and into the night, and right up to the break of day, when... William: And isn't that just like an existentialist, trying to get the last posit in... Bilbo: Well, would you look at that, the trolls have turned to stone! Gandalf: [appearing from behind some bushes] Of course they turned to stone, dear Bilbo, trolls can't take the sunlight. Bilbo: I get a rash myself. [suddenly noticing Gandalf's unexpected arrival]. Gandalf! Then it was you throwing your voice that caused the trolls to argue! Hey, wait a minute! Where have you got off to? We nearly drownded in the rain, froze without a fire and were about to be fricasseed by pretentious trolls! Gandalf: Errrmm...I had to run an important errand. *FLASHBACK SEQUENCE -- Gandalf mind wanders back to the day spa at Rivendell, with elvish maidens massaging him in a hot tub.* Bilbo: An important errand? Out here in the wilderness? Gandalf: [clears his throat] Never you mind, Bilbo. You are, after all, a small person in a large world; while a wizard's toil is great and never ends. Biblo: Well, yes...of course. Forgive me. Gandalf: Think nothing of it, dear boy, but lets make haste and get these dwarves out of their sacks. They're near to suffocation, I'd wager. Thorin: HMMPH-MMH! Gandalf: My pleasure. TO BE CONTINUED... __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 07-13-2008 at 10:19 AM.