[Aiwendil]

BL-EX-10:

In the latest working draft Findegil sent me, these lines are outside the quotes.

I have to apologize; it seems the version of our chapter that I have on my laptop may not be up to date. It had a slightly different version with those lines part of the direct quotation.

You're right, but that's what Tolkien used, so I left it.

I don't see where Tolkien used "by thou", which would be quite a surprising error from him.

It's a poetic allusion to the reek of Thangorodrim and the Iron Mountains, and it’s a noun Tolkien used several other places in the text, although not for Thangorodrim, but it still seemed a rather safe option for a rhyme, in order to more closely follow the Grey Annals.

I understand this, but I still don't think it works here. Tolkien uses the word plenty of times in descriptive passages, but here it's being asked to stand as a metonym for Thangorodrim or Angband, without any other context.

If the rhyme using "reek" is strongly preferred to "triple peak", we might make it a little clearer:

But Finrod, ere he bade farewell,
spoke thus: ‘To Celegorm the fell
I say, by sight received this hour,
by neither thine nor any power
shall thy kin the Jewels regain
before the end. All in vain
you swore. And this that we now seek
shall come from Angband's smoke and reek
but never to your hands shall fall.
Nay, your oath shall devour all
Fëanor’s sons, and to other care
Lúthien’s great bride-price bear.

It’s 11 syllables, true. But it still works as 4 feet:

It's four feet, yes, but three of those feet are dactyls instead of iambs or trochees. Scanning through Tolkien's verse in this lay, I can't find any lines that do that - in fact, it's rare to find a line with other than 8 or 9 syllables.

So, overall, I think I prefer my version above.