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Old 01-08-2011, 09:40 PM   #52
Ekimeniso
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Findegil View Post
RB-DF-04b: The image of the lonley tree in the storm and the blackness of the shield:
About the black shield: to name the shield black when in the next moment it is discribed as 'sable unblazoned' is redundant enough. The slight diffrence does not warrant a change.
I actually agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Findegil View Post
But the image of the lonley tree is diffrent. I am not confinced that it is necessary, but I will give it a try to incooperate it a bit more fluent (see below).
Quote:
and he stood before the king like a tower, iron-crowned. RB-DF-04b<GA But Fingolfin withstood him, though he towered above the Elven-king like a storm above a lonely tree>, and his vast shield, sable unblazoned, cast a shadow over him like a{ storm} cloud.
That's better than my suggestion, I think, but still a bit dodgy, as the contrasting description of the two contrahents going from Morgoth to Fingolfin is now repeated and (imho) thus loses some of its power (and there is also the redundancy of "tower" and "towered").

Maybe my English skills are too limited to formulate a better amalgam of the two sources in this case, but I tried this:
Quote:
and he stood before the king like a tower, iron-crowned, and his vast shield, sable unblazoned, cast a shadow over him like a <GAstorm> cloud <GA above a lonely tree>.
What do you think? Of course we're mixing the metaphors quite loosely here. And maybe there are just too many images - the tower, the storm over the tree, the cloud over the star - and the one from the GA has to go. I'm not sure.
RB-DF-07.5: The lamentation in Gondolin:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Findegil View Post
Probably we should bring that in much ealier. Turgon learned about tthe death of Fingolfin when Thorondor brought the body to the Echoriad, but Fingon learned the same from the return of Rochalor without rider I would guess. So what about this:
Quote:
... And he laid him upon a mountain-top that looked from the North upon the hidden valley of Gondolin; and Turgon coming built a high cairn over him. Neither Orc nor Balrog dared ever after to pass over the mount of Fingolfin or draw nigh his tomb, until the doom of Gondolin was come and treachery was born among his kin. RB-DF-07.5 <GA There was lamentation in Gondolin when Thorondor brought the tidings, for many of the people of the hidden city were Noldor of Fingolfin's house.>
Of course, that's more or less where the first "lamentation" stood in GA - after the building of the cairn. But then we're back at the point were Aiwendil suggested to avoid the recurrence of "there was lamentation"; maybe this can't be avoided. Logically, it would make sense to have Thorondor bring the tidings and the Gondothlim mourning before Turgon can come and build the cairn - am I having a déjà vu or was there some discussion somewhere on this forum about this already? Anyway, thus:

Quote:
... And he laid him upon a mountain-top that looked from the North upon the hidden valley of Gondolin. <GA There was lamentation in Gondolin when Thorondor brought the tidings, for many of the people of the hidden city were Noldor of Fingolfin's house.> [And] Turgon coming built a high cairn over {him} Fingolfin. Neither Orc nor Balrog dared ever after to pass over the mount of Fingolfin or draw nigh his tomb, until the doom of Gondolin was come and treachery was born among his kin.
Naturally, the course of events is debatable and I'm also fine with your way.

Greetings
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