View Single Post
Old 09-25-2017, 07:14 PM   #11
Haunting Spirit
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 69
gandalf85 has just left Hobbiton.
I agree with Arcus that this chapter is really good. The description of the tress is some beautiful writing. I also think skipping the chapters in VT-EX-01 makes sense with the revisions you made to Chapter 1. I have a few small comments/questions. It seems like you use "Kementari" for most of the text but occasionally use "Yavanna", i.e.:

VT-EX-28 <LT Then did the {Gods}[Valar] praise {Vána and Palúrien}[Kementári and Nienna] and rejoice in the light, saying to them: ‘Lo, {this is a}these are very fair {tree}trees indeed, and must have {a name unto itself}names unto themselves,’ and {Kemi}[Yavanna] said: ‘Let {it}[the one] be called Laurelin, for the brightness of its blossom and the music of its dew{,}.’>
I prefer "Yavanna," but either way, I think it makes sense to be consistent. Also, I can't find the following:

§38 And in that time of dark Yavanna … foreboding the wrath to come.>
It doesn't seem to be $38 in the Ainulindale in HOME 10. I agree with Arcus that Orome can't come secretly. I personally think most of the 2nd addition is redundant.

Sorry if I missed this discussion, but do you plan on keeping references to the children of the Valar? ("And the children of Manwe and Varda are Fionwe Uiron their son, and Ilmare their daughter."). The idea of Valar procreating and having children is strange to me. I think it makes more sense to make Eonwe (or Fionwe) and Ilmare Maiar.
gandalf85 is offline   Reply With Quote