[Hookbill the Goomba]

“It reminds me,” said The Barrow Wight, “of the time I met the fell worm beast of the sea!” Smilog turned around to look at him, with a slight confused look upon his face. Every time he settled down to sleep, the Wight started telling one of these ridiculous anecdotes about his time on the Downs. “It was on a winter’s night,” he continued, “I was out fishing when a large creature covered in what can only be described as CDs rose out of the sea and asked the way to Numenor. I told the fellow that it hadn’t been around for a jolly long time and he up and left in a flash, by Jove you should have seen that thing swim!”

Once more, Smilog settled down in his sleeping blankets, hidden amongst the rocks to the side of the entrance to the Crack of DOOM. The Wight eventually fell asleep too and Roggie had the first watch. Tollin snored rather loudly, but they were all so worn out that they hardly noticed and sunk soon into a weary, troubled sleep.

It was dark when Roggie awoke them all with a poke from his peg leg, saying, “Now’s our chance!”

“What are you talking about?” whispered Smilog looking around with an odd look in his eyes. “Where are the others?”

“Over they’re,” said Roggie, pointing, “look, something came out of the door only a minuet ago. It was a shadowy figure and I didn’t get a good look at it, it said something about not having enough snacks. Now is our best chance to investigate the Crack of DOOM!”

“We need someone to go in first to make sure its safe,” advised Tollin, “someone dispensable, who we wouldn’t miss if he got killed or mutilated in some strange way.” There was silence for a moment, and then everyone looked at Smilog who sighed and walked to the Door.

“You do realise,” said Smilog, “that you will all rue the day you sent me to Doom!”

“Yes, of course,” said The Barrow Wight, “Now, off with you!” they all pushed the Dwarf though the door and it closed behind him with a click. He tried to open it, but it seemed to be locked with some unseen lock. He picked up a torch from the wall beside him and walked forward, covering his mouth and nose to block the stench. He walked along for a while before he came into the great cavern of DOOM, the place where the Ring of Power had been destroyed. There was a long extended platform stretching over the lava vent, and built in a semicircle at the edge were a series of controls for driving the dreaded thing.

There was a large leather seat in front of a steering wheel; to the side of it was what looked like a gear changer and a hand break. Smilog went up to it and examined the controls closely, stroking his beard, forgetting the stench. There was a large blue button in the centre that had a picture of an eye on it, wondering what it did, Smilog pressed it and was hit on the chin by a rising pseudo television made with palantir technology. It showed the view out of the front of Mount Zoom; the LA beach to the left, and the City to the left.

“I should go back,” said Smilog, “Roggie will know what to do.” He turned away, but stopped and looked back at the controls. The steering wheel looked so inviting, the leather chair looked so comfortable. “NO!” he cried, shaking his head, “Must go back to Roggie and the others, they’ll know what to do.” He tried to leave once again, but only went three steps before looking back and stopping. “Well, maybe I could try a few more buttons, to see what they do.” He sat down in the chair and felt how comfortable it was, he sighed and looked at the controls. There was a big red button. You can probably see where this is going.

He reached out his hand towards the button, sweating and smiling inanely, his breath bated and full of strangeness. He pressed it. The whole mountain shook as the engine started up again. Smilog laughed a long maniacal laugh, “I am Smilog!” he cried, “Master of Zoom! Now, Middle Earth, prepare to meet your horrible DOOM!” He took the gear changer stick and began moving it randomly, causing the gearbox to groan and make unearthly noises.

Halfway down the mountain, the strange shadowy figure stopped and turned to look back up at the crack of DOOM. “My vehicle!” it cried, “My beautiful vehicle! Someone is stealing it! Curse you snacks! CURSE YOU!”

“Now,” said the maniacal Smilog, “to release zooming Mountain of DOOM!” he pulled on the gear stick some more and the engine groaned. He pressed another button on the control panel, which cause a volcanic bomb to shoot out of the volcano and head into the City. He laughed and tried to get the Mountain moving again, but nothing seemed to work, he did not understand the controls and randomly pressed things. “Obey me!” he cried, his eye becoming a great green fire, “I am your master now, Zoom! Hearken to me!” The last button he pressed opened the door to the crack of DOOM and Tollin ran in.

“What is going on?” cried the Minotaur, “Smilog, what are you doing?”

“My victory begins now!” he cried, laughing, “I will drive the mountain to the destruction of Middle Earth!” he laughed some more and then pressed a button that fired a rock at Tollin. He fell back and lay on the floor. “I told you, you would rue the day you sent me to DOOM,” laughed Smilog, “now, begin your rueing! I will sit here… and watch!” Roggie and The Barrow Wight entered looking rather worried.

“Get away from there!” shouted Roggie, “You’ll kill us all! Are you insane?”

“Insane?” said Smilog, “As insane as a moose!”

“I’d call that pretty insane,” said Tollin.

“Silence!” cried Smilog, “I must now wreak terror on the people of Middle Earth!” Tollin rolled his eyes and grabbed the Dwarf by the scruff of the neck and dragged him kicking and screaming from the chamber. “Release me!” demanded Smilog, “Release me or suffer the Wrath of Smilog!” They came out of the crack of DOOM and Smilog was cast upon the floor.

The Dwarf sat up and shook his head, “What happened?” he said, “All I remember was being in the control room and the… something weird.” As they sat there, a shadowy figure passed by and went into the Crack of DOOM, closing the door.

“Bad form, old chap,” said the Barrow Wight, “you went positively mad on us back there. Trying to take over the world. Maybe that’s what Project Zoom does to people. Sends them barking.” He lit a pipe that he seemed to have got from nowhere. “Now, lets deal with this like gentlemen.” He walked up to the door and knocked on it, “Excuse me,” he said, “would you mind awfully, letting us in?”

“Do you have any snacks?” came the reply.