RB-DF-04b:
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That's better than my suggestion, I think, but still a bit dodgy, as the contrasting description of the two contrahents going from Morgoth to Fingolfin is now repeated and (imho) thus loses some of its power (and there is also the redundancy of "tower" and "towered").
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I marked that as well. But your mixed sentence is in my veiw also overloaded with metaphorical images. Probably Aiwendil is right and in the ende we have to choose one or the other image here.
RB-DF-07.5:
I don't think we had the suggestion to put in the lamentation in Gondolin at the point Fingolfin is buried before. I like your suggestion to add it even before the building of the cairn. But I would leave Turgons action as in subordinate clause and hold then 'him'. Also we might chnage Gondolin in one place, becuase other wise we get a bad style by our emendation. Either we use 'Tumladen' in the first place or 'in the City' in the second. I prefer 'Tumladen' in the first, because 'in the city' would only move the problem to a double 'city':
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... And he laid him upon a mountain-top that looked from the North upon the hidden valley of {Gondolin}Tumladen. RB-DF-07.5 <GA There was lamentation in Gondolin when Thorondor brought the tidings, for many of the people of the hidden city were Noldor of Fingolfin's house>; and Turgon coming built a high cairn over him. Neither Orc nor Balrog dared ever after to pass over the mount of Fingolfin or draw nigh his tomb, until the doom of Gondolin was come and treachery was born among his kin. ...
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RB-DF-09:
I did not consider to take up the full sentence when I suggested the addition (don't ask me why), but I see that it will work better with that clause:
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... Therefore if any of the captives escaped in truth, and returned to their own people, they had little welcome, and wandered alone outlawed and desperate.
RB-DB-18b <LQ2; Correction to QS But fearing now that all strong places were doomed to fall at last before the might of Morgoth, {he}[Orodreth] sent away his wife{ Meril} to her own folk in {Eglorest}[Eglarest], and with her went their son, yet an elvenchild, and Gilgalad Starlight he was called for the brightness of his eye.>
RB-DF-09 <GA §158 Now Morgoth's power overshadowed the north-lands, but {[struck out: still]} Barahir would not retreat and defended still the remant of his land and folk in Dorthonion. ...
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Respectfuly
Findegil