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Adranel gaped at Beluf’s retreating figure. He had walked away before she could respond, and she was probably too surprised to string any words together anyhow. He wasn’t upset or annoyed with her? Even after she had blown up in his face? She could understand why he thought she was mad at him, though she wasn’t - she never had been, really. She had simply lost it, and all those held back emotions had wrongly come tumbling out towards him.
He wanted her to forgive him. Adranel had already done that, even if he didn’t know it, but she didn’t think that she could ever face him again. He had been kind to her and accepted her, and she had yelled at him, and then he asked her to forgive him. She felt awful. He had reached the tree again, and she considered going after him, but the thought fled far from her mind when Innema fell from the tree with a yell. Now everyone’s eyes were turned that way - no way could she approach Beluf now, and she wasn’t even sure that she wanted to. She should just leave now, while no one was paying attention. But she couldn’t, for a couple reasons: her immense guilt at her actions toward Beluf, and also her vengeance on the Orcs.
Ignoring everything else, she began to walk. She needed to think, and to do that she needed to be away from everyone. The sparse woods nearby proved to be ideal. Having spent much of her childhood outdoors, the surrounding trees were both comforting and familiar, as were the twitterings of the winter birds. Purposely, she skirted the army’s camp so as not to wander too far away.
Adranel wondered if she should trust Beluf. He was nice enough, certainly, and she saw no reason not to, but still. Her trust did not come easily these days, and he had breached the wall which she had so carefully constructed between herself and others. She did not hold him responsible, since he had right to be curious, but it still hurt. The pain was lessened, but still there and protected by a hard shell of anger. Underneath of it all she withheld any joy, tenderness, or kindness she had. Adranel realized that she had become afraid to let the latter feelings out. They could make life pleasant, but they could also hurt. She had learned that the hard way, and took the lesson seriously. She was grateful to Beluf because he had probably saved her life by asking her to join them, but she could not lower her guard and let him in. The risk was too great. Her life now was for no greater purpose than to destroy the Orcs, no matter that she was a woman, and she did not know what came next. Death would be a pleasant relief.
She found that she had come to the edge of the forest and was again staring down at the lessened army. With a sigh, she walked toward the soldiers, completely avoiding Beluf. How could he understand that he was just too good to her? She didn’t deserve it, and she didn’t feel like explaining, even if she could. Had Beluf been mad at her, she could face him, but now neither her shame nor her pride would allow it. She did not even plan to camp with them that night: it would be better for her to be on her own. Then, she would neither be hurt nor hurt others. It was the best for everyone.
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