[Finduilas]

When the first LotR movie went out, my older brother and sister went to watch it, opening night, I believe. My other sister and I were very disappointed that we were unable to go also, as we had read and loved the book. When they came back we asked our brother how it was. We knew nothing about the movie, hadn’t seen any pictures or anything. In answer he handed us a paper with this written on it:

“ADAPTING THE BOOK FOR HOLLYWOOD

TO: Miramax Studios
From: Storyline Editor
Re: ‘Lord of Rings’ story

Ok, Jack – I read this grossly oversized book, and I think we can handle it, but we have got to slim-n-trim this one big time to get it into our 2:07 frame. Luckily 2/3 of this book is just dead weight. Proposed cuts:
· Merry and Pippin, or at least one of them. Too easy to confuse. Too many Hobbits.
· Sam. Sure, he’s got the supporting role, but isn’t Frodo’s lone struggle against impossible odds twice as heroic without him?
· Faramir. Wussy, non-heroic character – all he does is to get shot and lie around in agony. A waste of scenes. Better to keep Boromir alive, use him in later scenes.
· Imrahil. Who cares?
· Saruman. Needles duplication of a villain.
· Kingdom of Rohan & its inhabitants. Needles duplication of a kingdom.
· Ent. Talking trees? Makes me think of ‘the Wizard of Ox’.
· Nine Black Riders. Reduce to three.

Some general critiques:

Dividing up the plot into two lines after they come down the Big River. No good. Keep the plot straight, have them all go to Minas Tirith, then all go to Mordor.

This reverse-psychology business with the Ring – no good. Confuses the audience. Suggest new ending: Frodo takes the ring, then fights duel with Sauron. Big fight on Mount Doom. Sauron blasts him wit helectric bolts form his fingertips. Frodo lies dying on the mountain. Suddenly the Chief Nazgul says ‘I am your father., Frodo,” picks up Sauron and throws him down the volcano. Big eruption. Segue to final ceremony scene. Whaddaya think?

P.S. Can we get some submachine guns in this story? Maybe studded with spikes all over to give them a medieval look?”

He handed this to us with an entirely straight face. We sat there a moment in disbelief, but finally asked my sister that had gone, and she set us straight.