[TheMisfortuneTeller]

When I first got wind of this transparent travesty, I thought: "Oh, sure. And you might as well let Vicky Vale into the Bat Cave and Lois Lane into the Fortress of Solitude while you're at it." Then I remembered that someone actually did those dreadful deeds -- and made lots of money doing them. Consequently (as a form of D.I.Y. psychotherapy for literary depression), I thought of:

"Androgynous Casting Calls"

A casting call went out one day,
An actress wanted to portray
A crappy Hollywood cliché,
A role called Mary Sue:
A female elf, both fell and fey,
And young, as well, which is to say,
In love, and thus all hot to slay
Whatever troll gets in the way
Between her and her Elf Lord gay --

"Oh, what's a girl to do?"

"For if my lord loves him, not me,
Or -- even worse -- a Dwarf or tree,
What good can Kung-Fu training be
If I don't get some kissing?"

Yet few who know would disagree
That half-a-billion budgets free
Directors from Earth’s gravity.
So killer-elf-chick scenes we’ll see
With young elf lords AC/DC:
The Hobbit as some bad TV,
Discounted soon on DVD –

With only Tolkien missing.

Michael Murry, "The Misfortune Teller," Copyright 2011