Having read through the changes, I have only a few comments:
In the second paragraph, the [
sic] is in reference to the grammatically incorrect "being." it should be "beings" plural.
In the next paragraph:
Quote:
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for he knew that to that kingship Ilúvatar designed to give the highest royalty in Eä, and under the rule of that throne to bring forth the Children of God.
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"Children of God" should be "Children of Eru" or "Children of the One." Tolkien nowhere else uses "God" to refer to Eru, and this feels extremely out of character.
BoT-15: This addition is fine, but:
Quote:
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Now therefore the Valar were gathered upon Almaren and feasted and made merry, fearing no evil, and because of the light of Illuin they did not perceive the shadow in the North that was cast from afar by Melkor; for he was grown dark as the Night of the Void. And it is sung that in that feast of the Spring of Arda Tulkas espoused Nessa the sister of Oromë, and Vána robed [her] in her flowers, and she danced before the Valar upon the green grass of Almaren.
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The bolded part contradicts the earlier assertion in Ainulindale that flowers had not yet been brought forth from the mind of Yavanna. It is a shame to lose the reference to Vana, but i think it is best to remove it.
BoT-18: This is indeed a problematic section for several reasons. It references a change in light which has not yet happened (as everything is still lit in unchanging day, and the only ill that has happened is the corruption of Melkor) and thus feels out of place. If it were to be included it should be moved to after the fall of the lamps. Even so, I think it too closely tied to the round earth version to be included, as it references day and night, and the sun and moon, long before such things existed. Therefore, I think it is best and safest simply to remove it.
BoT-20: This addition is fine but:
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And he descended upon Earth in power and majesty greater than any other of the Valar,
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The opening phrase is problematic, as in this restructuring he is already in Arda, and thus cannot be said to descend into it. maybe change "descended" to "arose". so it becomes "And he arose upon Arda in power..."
AINU-11: This entire segment until
BoT-23 does not fit here. It pretty clearly refers to the original war of the Valar in Arda, as Melkor is said just after this to flee in the darkness and confusion after the fall of the lamps. Thus this whole section should be moved earlier. I would have it replace
BoT-05,as it fits in quite nicely.
Those were the only things I noticed, the rest was quite wonderful!