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§33 (§17) {Therefore gathering new forces in Nogrod RD-SL-18{and in Belegost} they returned at length, RD-SL-20c {and aided by the treachery of certain Elves on whom the lust of the accursed treasure had fallen} they RD-SL-21a{passed into Doriath secretly.}} RD-EX-54 <TN This then was the design; and by his deeds have the Dwarves been severed in feud for ever since those days with the Elves, and drawn more nigh in friendship to the {kin}[following] of Morgoth.
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Why chagne kin to following?
I would add the following parragraph between 34 and 36:
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§ 35 Now tells the tale that one came unto Thingol, {and Thingol knew him not for the wild growth of his hair} -- and lo! it was Mablung, and he said: “Lo, even in the depths of the forest have we heard that this year you will celebrate the death of Carcharoth with a high-tide greater than even before, O King -- and behold I have returned to bear you company.” And the king was full of mirth and fain to greet Mablung the brave{; and at the words of Mablung that Huan captain of Dogs was come also into Doriath was he glad indeed}.
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I don't see why this detail can't be included in the story.
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§37a (§20) There {they}[the dwarves] surprised Thingol upon {a}these hunt with but small company of arms and
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I think that this sounds odd. I would use:
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§37a (§20) There {they}[the dwarves] surprised Thingol upon {a}the hunt with but small company of arms and
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Only change these to the.
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§37b (§21) RD-EX-60 {Now is} But now it must be told, that when the king was far in the woods with all his company, and the horns grow faint in the deep forest, {but}did Melian {sits}sit in her bower and foreboding {is}was in her heart and eyes. Then said an Elfmaid{, Nielthi}: ‘Wherefore, O Lady, art thou sorrowful at the hightide of the king?’ And Melian said: ‘Evil seeks our land, and my heart misgives me that my days in Doriath are speeding to their end, yet if I should lose Thingol then would I wish never to have wandered forth from Valinor.’ But {Nielthi}[the Elfmaid] said: ‘Nay, O Lady Melian, hast thou not woven great magic all about us, so that we fear not?’ But the queen made answer: ‘Yet meseems there is a editorial change{rat that gnaws the threads}thread[ is riven] and all the web has come unwoven.’
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First, I would eliminate the name Nielthi because I'm not sure that it is a valid Sindarin name.
The part that is in bold to me it is weird.
On another note, I think that it is interesting the way you attributed the deeds of Ufedhin to the dwarves. I wonder if Aiwendil will be ok with that. I am.