APPEARANCE NUMBER ONE:
INTRODUCING JOHNNY TAYLOR
Now why had a red carpet unfolded itself in between rolling mounds of grass out in the middle of somewhere? The red coursing through the green almost looked like the Don't Panic symbol on the cover of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, mildly putting its tongue out at him. Johnny Taylor shrugged, took a deep breath, closed his eyes, planted his feet on the carpet, exhaled, opened his eyes. Still in the same reality! Or close enough. The red carpet being the closest thing to a yellow brick road he'd seen so far, the poor befuddled lad claimed it as his road. With luck, it would lead back to the university and his calculus exam. Johnny weaved his way down the carpet, only tripping over his feet twice as he played air guitar and mumbled lyrics from Led Zeppelin.
Green, red, yellow … those same over-bright hues reminded Johnny of where his trip began, in the Science and Engineering Library at his computer in the study cube. Of course, he hadn't been studying. He'd been playing Moria. What else? Hour after hour after hour he'd spent wandering through those text adventure dungeons, slaying screenfuls of Orcs and Dragons and grabbing up gold, potions, scrolls, and other goodies. Until one day after pulling an all-nighter and making it down to the thirteenth level of his intensely favorite computer game, a very zonked out, sleep-deprived Johnny passed out and pitched face-forward into keyboard, monitor, and all. There were amazing snap, crackle and pop sounds even louder than his friends the Rice Crispies. Electricity arced everywhere until the monitor found the culprit who'd trespassed into its once lovely smooth glass, then finally pulled Johnny down to a level of consciousness far stranger than the thirteenth.
At the end of the red carpet, part of his nightmare stood in Johnny's path. He'd come to recognize it as the U symbol that he'd battled many a time, U for Uruk Hai. Groaning "Oh no, not U!" he pulled a scimitar from his backpack and wielded it with all the smug confidence of a gamer at full hit points and a pack full of azure healing potions.
The creature grunted, barking back with all the smug confidence of a bureaucrat enforcing the rules, and a gatekeeper to boot. "No weapons allowed if yer wish to pass."
Johnny blinked, his stammering kicking in. "Is this a b…b…bonus level then? Treasure without fighting? That's never happened before. I m…must've run into a new bug."
The Uruk snarled, snatching away the scimitar. "Watch who yer callin' a bug! Now step through this metal detector and join the party when I gives the all clear."
On stepping through, the metal detector gave a resounding DONNNNNGG! Out from Johnny's pockets and backpack and onto a table came everything from pocketknife to flashlight to can opener to toenail clippers to … reluctantly … gold.
The Uruk reached across with his arms and swept the gold up towards himself. "Payment fer whichever Uruk yer killed to get that fine scimitar of yers, for I can read the runes on the weapon."
Johnny stood up, looking for the Exit so he could finally make it to his calculus exam, but there was no Exit to be found. But then, maybe this tricky level where you lost your weapons and treasure held a hidden secret passage to the outside. As he jostled about to reposition the weight of his unzipped backpack, Johnny's usual awkwardness kicked in. A stale brownie from the Student Activity Center cafeteria came flying out and hit the Uruk square in the head, knocking him out. Johnny looked around, smiled with a hope beyond reason, and walked on, looking quite the adventurer in his t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Too bad he didn't see his opponent passed out on the ground behind him, leaving both scimitar and gold unguarded.
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