[the phantom]

MANWE TO ADOPT ZEUS METHOD OF ARDA MANAGEMENT

After years of humble, chaste, timid, and generally boring world Kingship, Manwe has decided to remake his leadership style. “I realize now the flaws in my old style,” said Manwe during his exclusive interview with The Downer. “It was my fault that Melkor got out of hand. Melkor always looked powerful and impressive, and did things to wow the crowds. That's why he had so many followers. If I had only done the same sorts of things, he never would’ve had so many minions,” said Manwe with regret. “Also, he let his flaws show through. Me, on the other hand- I always acted so sickeningly perfect. And the fact is, people love a flawed hero. I should’ve thrown a few tantrums and maybe destroyed a mountain range or two. It would have got me points with many of the Ainur.”

Later in the interview, Manwe berated himself for never using his gift of creation. “I’ve been such a big zero! Varda made the stars, Yavanna made the two trees, Aule made the dwarves, but me… I’ve created nothing! Melkor and Sauron created and tinkered with Orcs, Trolls, Dragons, Vampires, and Werewolves, but I haven’t so much as baked a cake!”

According to Manwe, it was while contemplating his lack of creation that he thought of Zeus, the ruling god in Greek legends. “I realized that Zeus was exactly who I wanted to be,” said Manwe. “He was an active force in the world, always throwing his weight around, and creating. Or, more specifically, procreating.” Manwe went on to say that his change of management style would put a strong emphasis on procreation. “Zeus sired offspring that did all sorts of wonderful things. Some became gods and helped manage the world, and others became evil-destroying heroes! Just imagine how things could’ve been different here in Arda had there been a couple dozen half-Vala superheroes running around Beleriand in the first age.”

Manwe said there was no set timetable, but promised that he would be working on having Elf, Man, Dwarf, and Hobbit children very soon, and that these children would have a positive effect on the world in general. When asked if there were any other motivating factors contributing to his desire for offspring, Manwe, who had been staring hungrily at a passing Elf-maid, answered, “Erm, ahem, of course not. No, no, I’m only doing this for the purpose of helping the world.”

When asked to comment on Manwe’s new philosophy, Varda gave a sour look, and said, “Well, he certainly seems to be a fan of Zeus. Me- I've always liked Hera.” The Queen of the Stars then began cackling uncontrollably, and waved off further questions.

The other Valar refused to comment altogether, except Aule, who had this to say. "You go back and tell that nutcase that it can't be done! I can't 'forge' lightning bolts for him! Lightning isn't friggin' metal! And I'm not forging a giant trident for Ulmo. He doesn't want it! And my name is 'Aule'! Not 'Hephaestus'! Tell that old bat to quit calling me that!"