[The Saucepan Man]

Shortly following the defeat of Sauerkraut, Soregum had withdrawn to The Ivy Bush. Although he had remained unaffected by the old wizard’s hot dogs, years of service in Moredough having accustomed him to such enchantments, he had maintained a low profile during the ensuing confrontation, unsure of how his Master would want this one to play out. Mögul was a tricky character to second guess. And the Gateskeeper’s revelations had given him much to consider. And what of Grrralph’s contribution? Should he tell his Master what he had learned? And, if so, how might he do so without alerting his companions to the true nature of his mission? Difficult questions all. So Soregum had concluded as always that a pint or five of good Mire ale might clear his head and help him think straight.

When Soregum entered The Ivy Bush, however, such thoughts were soon pushed to a spare recess in the back of his mind, right next to where his conscience had long ago taken up full time residence. A party celebrating the liberation of the Mire from Sparkey’s bonds was in full swing and Soregum was in no mood to miss it. And of course he took no time in claiming the credit for the wizard’s defeat.

“Well, when you have been adventuring as far and wide as me, you learn how to deal with wizards … Dangerous? Yes indeed they are, but my personal safety is nothing compared to the safety of the Mire … My companions? Well yes, of course they helped out, but as always they left the lion‘s share of the work to me … Oh you are too kind, but yes I suppose that I am a bit of a hero …”

Soregum was just enjoying his eighth (free) pint when it occurred to him that he ought to check on when the Quest-ship was planning on leaving. So, bidding farewell to his adoring and gullible audience, he made his way to the stable. Only to find it completely empty. Even Twinkle appeared to have taken her leave.

“A fine pickle you and your beerish inclinations have got yourself into now, Soregum, and no mistake,” he muttered to himself, as panic gradually seized him at the thought of the pleasure that Mögul would take in rewarding his failure. “Well they can’t have gone far,” he reassured himself as he made his way back round to the front of the inn. “At least Pimpiowyn will notice my absence,” he thought with increasing desperation as he hurtled at full tilt down the western road.

Not far along the road he caught sight of Daddy Twobellies in conversation with a tall imposing figure swathed from head to foot in a dark cloak. Soregum crept closer so that he was able to overhear their conversation.

“No, ‘baint no fella boi the nayme o’ Zorrgum rowd theez ‘ere paaarts. Yoom bezt try over in Grewsome End,” Soregum caught Daddy saying, his voice little more than a high-pitched squeak..

The dark figure stood regarding the old Hobbit for a few moments as Daddy Twobellies quailed under its baleful glare. Then it spoke.

“I’m awfully sorry old chap, but I have absolutely no idea what you are saying. I do apologise if I startled you, but I simply enquired whether you might have any knowledge of the whereabouts of a certain Hobbit by the name of Soregum.”

“Be arrff with yoom and yer faarncy worrds, before oi set moine darrgs arrn yoom!” said Daddy shakily, puffing out his not inconsiderable girth and desperately pulling at the leashes of his two diminutive Northmire terriers as they cowered and whimpered behind him.

“Oh really! This is hopeless. The fault is all mine of course, my good Hobbit, but I really ought to have taken that optional language course at Fell College instead of media studies,” remarked the cloaked figure as he fished among his robes for a Mire phrasebook.

Soregum jumped out from his hiding place and approached the two figures.

“Hello Rrrrogerrr,” he said to the dark figure. “You looking for me?”

“Ah, Soregum old bean, long time no see. How’s it going with the Gallow-ship?”

“Erm, fine. Just fine,” stammered Soregum, immediately regretting his decision to break cover. “In fact, never better, since you ask. Merisu and her companions are just waiting for me beyond that copse over there. They haven‘t left without me at all, they just …”

“You’ve lost them haven’t you?”

“Well, not lost as such. It’s just a temporary …”

“That‘s quite alright, old bean. Just as well really, as I need to have a little tête-à-tête with you,” continued Roger cheerfully, turning to Daddy Twobellies. “In private, if you don‘t mind awfully, my fine fellow.” The old Hobbit visibly shrunk under the Wraith’s imposing, albeit amiable, gaze.

“Itzz arrlroight, Daddy. Oi knowze thiz ‘ere fella,” Soregum reassured him.

“Well, if yoom bee zure, Mizter Gummidge, zorr. Oi’ll leeve yoom tow it tharrn,” replied Daddy sighing with relief and hastily retreating.

“The boss is a tad miffed,” Rrrogerrr explained to Soregum as they made their way to a secluded spot on Daizzzy, Rrrroger’s Nazgurl. “Seems his Satel-antir broadcast went down and he missed some of what was going on. He asked whether you might be able to fill in the gaps. Once we’ve had a chance to touch base, I can drop you off near to your companions.”

“Um,“ Soregum gulped.

“Oh, and I have some more pipeweed from Moredough for you,” Rrrrogerrr added.

Soregum’s face brightened considerably.

****************************************

Meanwhile, some miles west, the Slow-in-more-ways-than-one-ship had belatedly discovered Soregum’s absence. Much to Vogonwë‘s annoyance, it had indeed been Pimpi who had first noticed that the Hobbit was not with them.

“Well, I don’t suppose it matters much,” remarked Orogarn Two.

“He’s not much use in a fight, after all,” agreed Lord Etceteron.

“No, nowhere near as manful as you,” said Leninia, sidling up to Earnur.

“Not a penny on him,” added Kuruharan. “We’re better off without him.”

“I never trusted him. He seems to know far too much about Mögul for my liking,” growled Grrralph, glaring at the Gateskeeper (who wisely kept quiet). “And he can‘t carry a tune.”

“Yes, no point in going back for him now,” chipped in Vogonwë enthusiastically.

“What’s the point of any of it?” sighed Chrysophylax mournfully.

“No,” uttered Merisu after a moment’s thought. “Soregum spoke the truth in the inn. We need a Hobbit to make our party truly representative if we are to entreat the aid of the Lords of the West. And it seems to me that he may have some part to play yet, for good of for ill, before the end. I can feel it in my bow.”

Vogonwë rolled his eyes, but even as he did so, he caught sight of a dark shape, like a cloud and yet not a cloud for it moved far more swiftly.

“Ellevoguereth Cosmopolitaniel!” he exclaimed.

“Wha -?” replied his companions in unison, but they were cut short as a terrible dread fell over them. A fell sound, a trumpeting whirring roar, filled the air as the dark shape advanced from the east, speeding towards the Company, blotting out all light as it approached. Soon it appeared as a great winged creature, blacker than the pits of the night, although disturbingly its wings appeared to sprout from the side of its head.

Vogonwë quickly reached for an arrow and hurled it into the air towards the advancing creature. His companions looked up. Almost above them, the great shape swerved. There was a harsh trumpeting scream, as it fell out of the air, vanishing down into the gloop of the Mire countryside. The sky was clear again.

****************************************

“Oh oh! Mögul’s going to be mad as Udûn,” muttered Rrrrogerrr as he watched the great shape fall to the earth. “That’s one of the Aircorps’ advanced patrols. I’d best get back. Much obliged for the information and toodlepip!”

Soregum watched as Daizzzy leaped into the air with Rrrrogerrr sat astride her singing away happily to himself.

“They go up-tiddly-up-up
They go down-tiddly-down down.
Up. Down. Flying around.
Those magnificent Wraiths on their …”

****************************************

The Startled-ship were just gathering themselves together as Soregum appeared from behind a tree and flashed his decayed teeth at Vogonwë in a winsome smile.

“Nice shot!” he said as he hefted his newly acquired tobacco onto the wagon.