[Morthoron]

CHAPTER III: A SHORT REST, Part I

Narrator: Having handily dispatched the trolls and removed the dwarves from bondage, Gandalf suggested that perhaps the trolls had a hidden cave nearby where they hid from the sun and hid their swag as well.

*Gandalf parts some bushes near a rocky outcropping*

Gandalf: Here's the cave door, but unfortunately it is locked. It is obvious we'll need magic to get this open. I once knew the songs to every Disney animated feature ever produced. [Begins singing a rather off-key version of Lady and the Tramp's 'Bella Notte']

*Several hours later, the door remains locked*

Gandalf: Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my, what a wonderful day
Plenty of sunshine headin' my way
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay...

Thorin: [sighing] It just doesn't seem to be working, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Hmmm...perhaps a tune from a newer film. [the wizards adopts a French accent, and the dwarves sing along]:

Be our guest
Be our guest
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie
And we provide the rest
Soup du jour
Hot hors d'oeuvres
Why, we only live to serve
Try the grey stuff, it's delicious
Don't believe me? Ask the dishes...

Bilbo: Excuse me...

Gandalf and the dwarves: [In a Folies Bergere-style chorus line]

Course by course
One by one
'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
But for now, let's eat up
Be our guest
Be our guest
Be our guest
Please, be our G-U-E-S-T...

Bilbo: Halloo...excuse me, I found this key over by the trolls. Perhaps it will help.

Gandalf: [Taking off a black top hat and replacing it with his conical wizard's cap] Ahem...yes...well...that will do nicely, Bilbo, nicely indeed. [Gandalf irritably grabs the key away from Bilbo]

*The stone door creaks open revealing a dank and dreary, foul-smelling cobwebbed chamber*

Narrator: And so Gandalf, Biblo and Thorin's company crept warily into the cave. The sunlight revealed a trove of oddities and treasures -- aside from the bones of the trolls' previous victims and a good deal of food stuffs stored carelessly about on various shelves, there were brass buttons, pots of gold, SPF 150 sunscreen, introductory makeup kits from Avon, a rather attractive gold lame' evening dress, colorful pumps, ballet flats and sylish stiletto-heeled thigh boots for every occasion, bustierres, chemises, camosoles, teddies...

Gandalf: Ahem...That'll do!

Narrator: Errrmm...right...and in a corner they discovered some marvelous jewel hilted swords with wondrously wrought scabbards. Gandalf kept one, as did Thorin, and they gave Biblo a handsome leather-sheathed dagger of the same make.

Gandalf: Hmmm...These are no ordinary swords. They are of a marvelous make, obviously First-Age craftsmanship.

Bilbo: I shall call mine 'Sting'.

Gandalf: [Raising an eyebrow] But by the intricately carved runes on the blades, it indicates they were made by the Noldorin Elves who came from the Undying lands...

Bilbo: 'Sting' it is then.

Gandalf: [Becoming more irritated]...who wrought these peerless and magic blades in the fabled city of Gondolin, hewn out of the very living rock of Thangorodrim. Its impervious walls sparkling of jewels, its spiralling white towers piercing the cerulean blue skies of the now lost land of Beleriand...

Bilbo: [flashing about his knife like Eroll Flynn] Ha-ha, feel my 'Sting'!

Gandalf: [Rolling his eyes in disgust] Why don't you just call it 'Stab' and be done with it.

TO BE CONTINUED...