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Old 08-28-2003, 09:14 AM   #110
Mister Underhill
Dread Horseman
 
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Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Behind you!
Posts: 2,738
Mister Underhill has been trapped in the Barrow!
Tolkien

Thanks for all the warm welcomes from the group.

Sauce, as my colleague Dr. Squatter has so ably explained, there are no plans for a home-use device in the foreseeable future. That doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't take common sense precautions!

I recommend that you (and all REBers) keep a copy (preferably first edition hardback) of HoME 3 - Lays of Beleriand close at hand. If a shade should appear, turn it by reading the Lay of Leithian aloud, paying special attention to the rhythm of the octosyllabic couplets in your recitation.

In some cases the shade may sit down and make himself at home, but fear not. Stay awhile and be patient; if you read through to the abandoned endpoint of the poem, he will eventually shuffle off, muttering revisions in the verse, to haunt more likely victims.

A shade may be turned much more quickly by reading aloud Oilima Markirya (The Last Ark, from "A Secret Vice") in the original Elvish, but this method is recommended only to the most doughty Tolkienites, as improper pronunciation is likely only to further enrage the apparition.

Field tests have shown that the odor of pipe tobacco has a calming effect on the Professor's much-aggrieved spirit. This may not be much help to a hapless fan fictioneer who finds him or herself under sudden sarcastic assault by a tweedy spectre, as loading and lighting a pipe under such circumstances would be trying to say the least. However, it may be not unwise to string a few bags of weed around your neck and/or over the doorframes of your abode as a precaution before you begin to compose.

Lastly, it hardly needs to be mentioned that you should never, under any circumstances, open an e-mail with an Old English subject line. Delete such missives immediately. Subject lines like "Ic grete țe" and "Ic sæcge eow țancas" have been reported in the past.

For more information, visit www.travestyquantificationproject.org/security.htm.
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