[Aiwendil]

As promised, here are the notes I have on the text of this chapter. I wrote these comments some two years ago, so they're not exactly fresh in my mind but I've just glanced through them again and I think I've sufficiently reminded myself of the issues they mention. Some of these are just typos which may or may not have already been caught and silently corrected.

Line 331:

where Eilinel long since had laid

Should be ‘where Eilinel long since had lain’.

BL-EX-04: There are two problems here that I hadn’t noticed:

BL-EX-03 <Lay; old Version BL-EX-04 Then {all his}[on this] journey{'s} lonely he fare,

First, this is ungrammatical; second, it’s an extra line that doesn’t rhyme! I think we can just delete the line:

BL-EX-03 <Lay; old Version BL-EX-04 {Then all his journey's lonely fare,}
{the}[The] awful mountains' stones he stained {565}
with blood of weary feet, and gained

BL-EX-06: Re-reading this I noticed that we have not completely eliminated the retrospective aspect of the passage:

now all these horrors like a cloud {575}
BL-EX-06 {faded from}[lay on his] mind. The waters loud
falling from pineclad heights no more
he heard, those waters grey and frore
that bittersweet he drank and filled [610]
his mind with madness - all was stilled.

Here we say that the ‘waters loud . . . no more he heard’ and that ‘all was stilled’. In the original Lay these statements described his changed state of mind when he reached Doriath, and they cannot be used here in describing the journey as it happens.

I think it might be best to drop lines 606-611 entirely:

BL-EX-06 and there they lived, and the sucked bones
lay white beneath on the dark stones. {- [605]
now all these horrors like a cloud {575}
faded from mind. The waters loud
falling from pineclad heights no more
he heard, those waters grey and frore
that bittersweet he drank and filled [610]
his mind with madness - all was stilled.} {580}
He recked not BL-EX-07 {now}[of] the burning road,
the paths demented where he strode

Line 764:

to endless lamentation passed
and in the tombless sea was cast.

The story here seems to be that Maglor cast himself into the sea, whereas the story we’ve followed is that he cast the Silmaril into the sea but survived (and was lost) himself. I suppose we could try something like:

to endless lamentation passed
{and}[when] in the {tombless} sea {was}[the Jewel he] cast.

BL-RG-00.5: I know this was my suggestion, but looking at it again I don’t think it works:

BL-RG-00.5 and tree-propped halls, the {forest-god}[forest-lord],
rides his great stallion golden-shod

The lord/shod rhyme just isn’t close enough. I can’t think of anything particularly good, but I suppose there’s this:

BL-RG-00.5 and tree-propped halls{, the forest-god}[in forests old]
rides his great stallion {golden-shod}[shod with gold]

BL-RG-01: Just a typo here: ‘Finrafin’ should be ‘Finarfin’.

Line 1833:

There countless torches fitfully
did start and twinkle, as the {Gnomes}[Elves]
were gathered to their fading homes,

Here we lose the rhyme with the change to ‘Elves’. I’ve stared at these lines for quite a while but can’t come up with anything suitable. So I think perhaps we should just delete lines 1833-1837:

The mists were mantled round the towers {1595}
of the Elves' white city by the sea.
{There countless torches fitfully
did start and twinkle, as the {Gnomes}[Elves]
were gathered to their fading homes, [1835]
and thronged the long and winding stair {1600}
that led to the wide echoing square.}

There Fëanor mourned his jewels divine,

BL-RG-09: Here we settled for the somewhat clunky:

of Manwë BL-RG-09 {Lord of Gods}[Lord of Arda]. Who calls

It occurs to me we could improve it with:

of Manwë BL-RG-09 {Lord of Gods}[Arda’s Lord]. Who calls

BL-RG-11.5: I think we can stay closer to the meaning of the text here with:

BL-RG-11.5 not [Valar’s] might {of Gods}, not moveless fate

Line 1880: Again we lose the rhyme with {Gnomes}[Elves]:

The wars and wandering of the {Gnomes}[Elves] [1880]
this tale tells not. Far from their homes

Here we don’t have the luxury of being able to simply delete the lines, since they form the necessary bridge between Feanor’s speech and what follows. We could try this:

The wars and wandering {of the Gnomes}[that them befell]
this tale {tells not.}has not the space to tell,
how they fought and laboured in the North.

. . . which, however, may be taking too much liberty.

BL-RG-13: Same typo again: ‘Finrafin’ for ‘Finarfin’.

BL-RG-15: Same typo again.

BL-RG-16: If we take my suggestion for BL-RG-11.5 then we should probably make this:

BL-RG-16 no [Vala’s] might {of Gods}, no binding spell,

BL-EX-09:

BL-EX-09 {One stooped and}[Edrahil then] lifted up {his}[the] crown,

I think the meter would be better without ‘then’:

BL-EX-09 {One stooped and}[Edrahil] lifted up {his}[the] crown,

BL-EX-10: I think 2162 doesn’t scan right. Better would be:

{son of Fëanor}shall thy kin {regain} {the Silmarils}their Jewels {ever unto world's end.}regain

Line 2165:

shall {come indeed}be delivered from the triple peak,

This is really nitpicking, but technically I wouldn’t say the Silmaril is delivered from the triple peak (i.e. the Silmaril was not on top of Thangorodrim); it was delivered from Angband, which is beneath the triple peak. That’s why my initial suggestion was:

shall {come indeed}be delivered ’neath the triple peak,

. . . which perhaps doesn’t read quite as well but is more literally correct. I’m tempted to go with it.

BL-SL-05:

'Boldog, I heard, was lately slain[
strange ye were not in Boldog's train.
Thirty are slain by twelve you claim,]
warring on the borders of that domain
where Robber Thingol and outlaw folk [2375]
cringe and crawl beneath elm and oak {2130}
in drear Doriath. Heard ye not then
of that pretty fay, of Lúthien?
Her body is fair, very white and fair.
Morgoth would possess her in his lair. [2380]
BL-SL-05 {Boldog he sent, but Boldog was slain: {2135}
strange ye were not in Boldog's train.}
Fierce is your chief, his frown is grim.
Little Lúthien! What troubles him?
Why laughs he not to think of his lord
crushing a maiden in his hoard, {2140}
that foul should be what once was clean, [2385]
that dark should be where light has been?

First, whence comes ‘Thiry are slain by twelve you claim’? Is this an editorial addition?

More importantly, it seems to me that it’s not enough to remove lines 2381-2382. I think that it was not merely Boldog’s specific mission to capture Luthien that was rejected but rather the whole motif of Morgoth having heard of and desiring Thingol’s beautiful daughter. With that in mind, I think we may, unfortunately, need to delete most of the passage:

BL-SL-05 'Boldog, I heard, was lately slain[;]
{warring on the borders of that domain
where Robber Thingol and outlaw folk [2375]
cringe and crawl beneath elm and oak {2130}
in drear Doriath. Heard ye not then
of that pretty fay, of Lúthien?
Her body is fair, very white and fair.
Morgoth would possess her in his lair. [2380]
Boldog he sent, but Boldog was slain:} {2135}
strange ye were not in Boldog's train.
{Fierce is your chief, his frown is grim.
Little Lúthien! What troubles him?
Why laughs he not to think of his lord
crushing a maiden in his hoard, {2140}
that foul should be what once was clean, [2385]
that dark should be where light has been?}

BL-RG-23: A very minor point, but with the change of ‘God’ to ‘Great’ I would remove the comma after ‘Tauron’:

{Tavros,}[Tauron] the BL-RG-23 {God}[Great] whose horns did blow

Lines 2507 and 2508: Missing an apostrophe in both lines: {Tavros’}[Tauron’s].

BL-RG-30: I think the line is now too short. A metrical ‘now’ might work:

had little cause now to BL-RG-30 {wrest from Thu}[pursue]

BL-RG-35: I think we can keep the ‘thus’:

BL-RG-35 Thus [Sauron] came{ Thu}, as wolf more great

BL-RG-38:

Then sprang about the darkened North {3130}
the Sickle of the BL-RG-38 {Gods}[North], and forth

We might eliminate the extra ‘north’ with:

Then sprang about the darkened North {3130}
the Sickle of the BL-RG-38 {Gods}[Valar]{, and}[;] forth

BL-RG-40: I just realized that we never actually use the name ‘Thuringwethil’ here. It would be nice if we could work it in. A possibility that occurs to me is:

the other {was a batlike}[Thuringwethil’s] garb
with mighty fingered wings, a barb
like iron nail at each joint's end -
such wings as their dark cloud extend {3405}
against the moon, when in the sky [3685]
from Deadly Nightshade screeching fly
BL-RG-40 {Thu's messengers}[Sauron’s bats].

Thus we accomplish several things: a. name Thuringwethil; b. still specify that the garb is bat-like; and c. reduce the last line by one syllable.

On the other hand, Thuringwethil is named later in line 4227, so maybe this is unnecessary.

BL-SL-07: As with BL-SL-05, it seems to me that not only Boldog’s raid but the whole element of Morgoth hearing of Luthien was removed. We can accomplish this like so:

the aisled forests there was heard
great Huan baying.

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ Then came word {3665}
{most passing strange of Lúthien [3945]
wild-wandering by wood and glen,
and Thingol's purpose long he weighed,
and wondered, thinking of that maid
so fair, so frail. A captain dire, {3670}
Boldog, he sent with sword and fire
to Doriath's march; but battle fell
sudden upon him: news to tell
never one returned of Boldog's host,
and Thingol humbled Morgoth's boast. {3675}
Then his heart with doubt and wrath was burned:
new tidings of dismay he learned,} [3950]
BL-RG-43 {how Thu was }[of Sauron] o'erthrown and his strong isle

BL-SL-08: Typo: ‘kraft’ for ‘craft’.

As I think about it, I don’t know that the change {magic}[power] is necessary.

I would also change ‘and the hallowing of Varda’ to ‘and hallowed by Varda’:

BL-EX-11.3 <LT Behold now that Silmaril blazeth with a white and hidden fire of its own nature and is possessed of a fierce and holy BL-EX-11.5 magic - for did it not come from Valinor and the blessed realms, being fashioned with {spells of the Gods and Gnomes}[the craft of Fëanor and hallowed by Varda] before evil came there

BL-EX-17.3: Typo: ‘Men’ for ‘Man’.