[Morthoron]

CHAPTER III, A SHORT REST, Part II

Narrator: Gandalf and the rest skipped blithely through the next few pages -- relatively boring stuff, like descriptions of landscapes and mountains, which of course are all CG animated, and aren't we all rather tired of the replicated splendor of computer graphics? I know I am. So, they walked and walked...blah, blah, blah...and scrambled up the mountains...blah, blah, blah...anyway, it was getting to be about supper-time (which would be dinner for you Yanks), when they came upon a hidden valley...

Gandalf: Here we are! The fair valley of Rivendell where lives Master Elrond in the Last Homely House.

Bilbo: What, is he a bad housekeeper?

Gandalf: No.

Bilbo: Ah, he's like one of those eccentric neighbors who insist on painting their house bright blue and plopping plastic pink flamingos and garden gnomes all about their front yard.

Gandalf: No, not at all, don't be silly.

Bilbo: Well, you did say his house was homely.

Gandalf: Merely a figure of speech, dear boy. Homely meaning comfortable, at-ease, a place of relaxation and enjoyment.

Bilbo: Something like Madame Harbottle's House of Red Light?

Gandalf: Drop it.

Thorin: [suddenly putting a hand to his ear] What's that? It sounds like...singing.

Where are you going,
And why are you here?
Your noses need blowing,
You have wax in your ears.

O! Toora-loora-lally,
The Dwarves stink up the valley!

O! Where did you come from,
And how long will you stay?
Don't except much of a welcome
When you smell that way!

O! Toora-loora-lie,
'Tisn't the smell, but the burning of my eyes!

O! Follow the turnings,
And head down the path --
You're clothes will need burning,
And you need a bath!

O! Toora-loora-loma,
Gandalf save us
From this dwarvish aroma!

Gandalf: Damnable Elves.

Bilbo: They seem quite gay.

Dumplin: Oooh! You think so?

Bilbo: Errr...I meant gaiety, to be merry.

Thorin: Well, gay or not, it's rather a rude welcome.

Gandalf: Don't let it bother you, Thorin, the mischievous elves are only having a little fun at your expense. It's rare they see dwarves now-a-days. But let's follow the path down to the Last Homely House....before they get really nasty.

*As the Party of dwarves start descending down the path, the hidden Elves start taunting them*

Elf #1: Why do dwarves have beards?

Elf #2: I don't know, why do dwarves have beards?

Elf #1: So they can look like their mothers!

Elf #2: Hahaha! Here's one: A man in a hay wagon runs over a dwarf. When the man gets down from the wagon to apologize, the dwarf says, "I'M NOT HAPPY!" The man answers, "Well, which one are you then?"

Elf #1: Ba-dump-bump! What do you get when you cross a dwarf and a donkey?

Elf #2: A little jack-*** about this tall!

Gandalf: Fly, you fools! This foe is beyond you!

Narrator: And so the dwarves escape the savage taunting of the Elves by running as fast as their little legs could carry them, finally finding themselves at the very doors of the Last Homely House!

TO BE CONTINUED...