[Kuruharan]

“Land Ho!” squawked the lookout in the crow’s nest.

“Hmmuphh…” groaned a suddenly awakened Merisuwyniel.

She sat up and got out of bed and went to investigate the commotion out on deck.

The sea was a scene of moonlight tranquility and Merisuwyniel took a moment to admire the view and smell the breeze.

(She did not notice how dead silence fell like a two-ton boulder as she did this. The wind had caught her gossamer robe and had its way with it.)

The graceful elf strode over to the captain.

“Wot’s all the hubbub, bub?” she melodiously intoned.

The captain pulled his jaw up off the deck and tried to form coherent sentences.

“Uhhh…errrm…I…woo…ha…” replied the captain.

“Mister Neemoi?” said Merisuwyniel.

“We have sighted another island off the starboard bow,” offered the navigator. “We were discussing if we should send a shore party.”

“Oh, yes, let’s,” said Pimpi pleadingly. “We haven’t had a good party in ages.”

“Not that kind of party,” snapped Neemoi.

“We…need…to…determine…how large…the…island is,” said Cirkdan. “Claws…opinions?”

“Blast it Dim, I’m a doctor not a cartographer!” replied the old bird.

“Captain,” said Neemoi, “I believe it logical that we should avail ourselves of the opportunity to resupply. This may be the last island for a considerable distance.”

That settled it. Within moments the ship was in a frenzy of preparation. The crew donned their red shirts to make sure and attract the attention of any enemies who might be present, the entire Gallowship decided to go ashore and frolic, and the captain and his officers went to oversee the crew in their provisioning.

When the party reached the shore, the Gallowship immediately cut down a swath of trees to make surfboards while the crew killed most of the animals in the general area and refilled the water barrels.

Afterwards, the Gallowship sunned themselves while the crew stood in a little knot over to the side. They began to be puzzled by this mysterious whistling noise. It continued to get louder and louder and louder. Then they noticed that it was suddenly getting very dark right in the area where they were standing. The crew glanced up. There was a large object above their heads that was getting bigger by the second. How curio…

*SMUSH*

Dr. Macaw flapped over to the giant rock that had suddenly appeared right where the crew had been standing. The doctor sniffed about the base of the rock.

“Their dead, Dim,” he sadly conveyed.

This was enough for Cirkdan and Mr. Neemoi. They were veterans of the seas and they had seen this happen about 80 times or so. They knew exactly what to do.

“RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!!” they yelled, as they scampered into the jungle.

“But…” said Merisuwyniel.

“RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!!” howled the Gallowship as they scattered into the jungle, Vogonwë and the Gateskeeper dragging Grralph along with them.

“But…” said Merisuwyniel.

She stood alone on the deserted beach.

“Well, I guess it’s up to me to rescue everyone,” she thought, as she walked into the jungle.

Behind her there was a sudden sound and she knew no more.

++++

She awoke to find herself in a most comfortable bed. It must have been a dream. She yawned deeply and scratched her beard.

Wait a minute, her beard?

“Oh, how silly!” she thought to herself. “Someone’s having a little prank with me and put a false beard on my face while I was asleep.

She reached up and tried to pull it off.

“Ouch!” she gasped. It was some very stubborn glue. She yanked on the beard. “Yeeouch!” she cried. “Okay, maybe the beard can stay until I find some solvent,” she thought.

She was just thinking there was something familiar about that beard she suddenly noticed her hands. They were not her hands at all. Instead of the slender and graceful appendages she was accustomed to wearing, these were stubby and rather chunky hands. She stared incredulously at them as they waved at her. Then she noticed these hands wore the same rings that Kuruharan was always wearing.

“It couldn’t be,” she thought with a feeling of growing horror. “It just couldn’t be!”

She looked carefully at the beard again. It certainly did look like Kuruharan’s. She noticed she was not feeling as long and slender as she was wont. Truth be told, she felt rather short and stocky. This couldn’t be! She was a lovely female elf! Not a short bearded male dwarf! She was a She and…

“OH MY EMU, WHAT IS THAT?!!!!”

She noticed there was a tall protrusion sticking up under the covers. She tore them off to reveal…Kuruharan’s peg leg which was still strapped to her leg, except it wasn’t her leg, but it was her leg, but it couldn’t be, but the strap was cutting off the circulation. She took the peg leg off and got out of bed.

Time for some panic-stricken flight!

She (sort of) bolted out the door and down the hall. The hallway was lined with doors, but Merisuwyniel did not notice.

Flying round a corner she crashed right into Soregum.

They picked each other up off the floor.

“Kuruharan,” said Soregum, “something strange has happened here.”

“I’ll say,” said Merisuwyniel. “I’m not Kuruharan.”

“And I’m not Soregum,” said Soregum.

“Who are you,” asked Merisuwyniel.

“I’m Orogarn Two, who are you?”

“I’m Merisuwyniel.”

“EEEWWWWW,” moaned Orogum Two. He went rather green in the face.

“We need to get out of here,” said Kuru-suwyniel.

“Excuse me,” groaned Orogum Two. “I think…I have…”

He darted into a nearby door. Sick noises came from behind the door.

“Stop doing that to my chair,” came a voice.

The door flew open and Orogum Two hastily backed out.

“Sorry…natural reflex,” he muttered.

The Gateskeeper came storming out.

“Is that how your mother taught you to behave around a lady?” snapped Gateskeeper.

“Lady?!” cried Orogum Two as he burst into laughter. Even Kuru-suwyniel couldn’t resist a giggle.

“What’s so funny?” demanded the Gateskeeper.

“Err…why don’t we go to your mirror,” suggested Kuru-suwyniel.

In the interests of good taste this account will tip-toe around the unseemly scene where Pimpi came to terms with the fact that she wasn’t feelin’ like a woman anymore.

Orogum Two shuddered as he walked down the hall. “I never knew a man’s voice that could screech that high…”

“Oh, there I am,” piped the voice of Grim Reaperneep. He walked up to Orogum Two. “How does it feel to be me? And who are you?”

“I’m Orogarn Two,” Orogum replied, “and I seem to be adjusting better than some people.”

After that round of introductions, the motley crew proceeded onward.

After meeting up with Mr. Neemoi in Leninia’s body, Dr. Macaw in Pimpi’s body, and Vogonwë in Cirkdan’s body, Kuru-suwyniel said, “I don’t think this hallway goes anywhere.”

“Where should it go?” muttered a surly MacPimpi.

“Cheer up, darling! Don’t be so glum!” said Cirk-onwë

“Blast it Dim, I’m a doctor, not your darling!” snarled MacPimpi

“Sorry,” said a suddenly sheepish Cirk-onwë. “And don’t call me Dim.”

“I’m your darling,” snapped Pimpi-keeper, “and I’m in need of some serious consoling.”

“Errr…,” said a suddenly dubious Cirk-onwë, “maybe later.” He ran forward to join Kuru-suwyniel and Neelinia at the front.

After following the hallway some more, meeting Cirkdan in Orogarn Two’s body, Leninia in Halfemption’s body (in high dudgeon too), and Gateskeeper in Grralph’s body, they came to the end of the hall.

“Now what?” asked Orogum Two.

“Idiots!!!” screeched Half-Leninia, administering a sound whallop to Grrrateskeeper.

“Watch it!” snarled Grrrateskeeper. “Not only am I possessed of the powers of Norton and McAfee but now I can freeze you to the core and leave you shriveled up before the Hairless Nostril for all eternity!”

“Oh, please!” said Half-Leninia, rolling her/his/something eyes.

“Why don’t we try opening one of these doors,” suggested Sore-neep. Unfortunately, he could not reach the doorknob. Kuru-suwyniel opened it for him. It was a room just like all the ones they had all awakened in. In the bed they found the unmoving form of Neemoi.

They tried to revive him but failed.

“Must be Grralph,” Cirk-onwë opined.

Carrying Grrmoi with them, they went back up the hallway, opening all the doors as they went, but all the rooms were empty.

They continued on until they reached the room where Kuru-suwyniel had awakened.

“Now what,” asked Orogum Two.

“Someone…is…following…us,” warned Cirk-garn Two.

The lithe figure of Vogonwë sprang into view. He danced and twirled and did a few somersaults before landing gracefully in front of them.

“So this is what it is like to float like a butterfly,” mused Vog-emption.

“We could try opening this gigantic door at the end of the hall,” offered Sore-neep.

Seeing little choice, the More-ill-sorted-than-usual-ship moseyed on over. They found Dr. Macaw attacking the door. More accurately, they found Kuru-caw attacking the door. Upon seeing the Gallowship, the parrot flew over and landed on Kuru-suwyniel’s head.

“How did you get in there?” he demanded. “Get out!!”

“Believe me, I’m as unhappy with the situation as you are,” replied Kuru-suwyniel.

“I’m not sure how to take that,” muttered the bird.

“Take down the door!” shouted Orogum Two.

“What with?” asked Pimpi-keeper.

“Use Grr-moi as a battering ram!!” yelled Half-Leninia.

“NO, THAT’S NOT LOGICAL!!” bawled Neeninia.

Alas, for him/her, no one paid attention to his pleas. They seized Grr-moi and battered the door with his head.

“Oh, my body,” whined Neeninia, “my poor, poor body.”

The door finally fell into ruins.

On the other side of the door sat a fussy little man behind a desk. The desk was piled high with papers. He was speaking into a most curious instrument which he held to his ear.

“No, no, no,” he was saying. “I filled out the forms in triplicate and faxed the copies to the relevant agencies day before yesterday. This office cannot be responsible for your mechanical foul-ups. The schedule says the materials should have been here this afternoon.”

He paused and seemed to be listening to some sort of reply coming from the device he held against his ear.

“And the same to you!” he shouted as he slammed down the device.

“A dangerous enemy, this,” intoned Orogum Two solemnly. “A bureaucrat. None know how to defeat their impenetrable defense of non-recognition.”

“We’ll see about that,” said Pimpi-keeper. “Time for me to put my improving shield-maidenly skills to the test.”

There was a furious burst of ill-controlled sniggering somewhere to the rear of the Gallowship.

“Uuhh,” said Cirk-onwë, “I think this might…”

But Pimpi-keeper was already sauntering gracefully over to the desk. (Well, Pimpi-keeper thought she/he/it was sauntering gracefully, lumbering garishly would probably be a better description for it.)

Pimpi-keeper leaned over the desk and adopted her patented pouty-face that usually had men eating out of her hand.

“I need a favor,” she/he/it whispered engagingly.

“No interviews without appointments, except between Nine and Ten P.M., second Saturday of every month,” replied the bureaucrat without even looking up.

Pimpi-keeper opened her eyes to the size of saucers and did the trembling lip routine. The ill-controlled sniggering turned into scarce-repressed chortling.

This time the bureaucrat did look up.

“EEEKKK!!”

“Wotsamatter?” purred Pimpi-keeper.

Alas, this had the effect that one might expect of a computer geek trying to seduce anyone.

*WHALLOP*

Pimpi-keeper went flying across the room and crashed into the opposite wall. The Really-In-It-Now-ship picked her/him up and beat a hasty retreat.

“Now what?” asked Orogum Two.

“We need to try and find my body,” said Kuru-suwyniel.

Will our heroes find Merisuwyniel’s body? Will they return to being the people they once were? Will this plot ever progress? Will this writer ever shut up?

Find out next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel! (yeah right)