[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

I feel compelled to point out that "Gin? No! I'll have a glass of salt instead" and "Crocodile says..." are the funniest statements I've seen all month: a whole newspaper consisting only of such headlines would still be highly readable. Personally, I claim to have controvertible and contestable evidence that crocodiles are all Faroese; but I'll only reveal it to people with at least twelve 'x's in their names.

I bought one of those IKEA cats. Well, perhaps 'stole out of a skip' is a more accurate description. Every time I try to program my video recorder, the cat's head rotates one-hundred and eighty degrees and its eyes pop out, breaking windows, furniture and my priceless collection of trepanning memorabilia. Also, its legs have been known to fall off at inconvenient moments. The 'electrocute small child' function, which comes as standard in ineptly assembled models, is most amusing.