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Morthoron · 05-16-2008, 10:17 PM

Narrator: One morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, the inestimable wizard Gandalf found himself once again at the brightly-painted, round door of the hobbit-hole at Bag-end. Smiling, he raps lightly at the door with his great staff.

*Knock Knock*

Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo is it?

Gandalf: It is I, Gandalf.

Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo?

Gandalf: [clearing his throat] Gandalf...it's Gandalf!

Voice from behind the door: Go 'way, there's nobody 'ome.

Gandalf: Nonsense! I can hear you as plain as day!

*Silence*

Gandalf: [now knocking more persistently] Open up this instant!

Voice from behind the door: We don't want any!

Gandalf: I'm not here to give anyone anything, dash it all! Open up, I wish to speak with Bilbo Baggins!

*Muttering and whispers from behind the door*

Voice from behind the door: 'Ees away on Holiday. Coom back next spring.

Gandalf: This is preposterous! Open up, I say! Open up or I shall turn you into something unpleasant!

*More muttering and whispers, then the door opens to reveal an old hobbit-hag*

Gandalf: Good morning.

Old Hag: Good mornin'? And what's good about it, I should like to know? What with strange old geezers with big, nasty sticks lurkin' about, threatenin' poor innocent folk. I told my 'usband the Shire was goin' to 'ell in a 'andbasket, but did 'ee listen...no!

Gandalf: [looking rather perturbed] By 'good morning' I merely meant to offer you a suitable greeting. I could just as well have said 'hello'.

Old Hag: Better to 'ave said goodbye and be done with it. Goodbye!

Gandalf: Now wait just a moment! Where is Bilbo Baggins? I demand to see him!

Old Hag: You...demand? Well aint that just like a filthy beggar to be puttin' on airs! All high and mighty and not a farthing to clean up those dirty gray rags. We'll just see about this...OTHO! O-T-H-O!

*A distiguished Hobbit appears at the door, wearing a green velvet smoking jacket and fez, and smoking a meerschaum*

Otho: See here, Lobelia, what's all this caterwauling about? You've interrupted my tea.

Lobelia: I'll interrupt more than your tea, you great lummox. This smelly old bugger won't leave. Says 'es 'ere to see Bilbo Baggins. Demandin' to do so, 'ee is!

Otho: Preposterous! Look here, my good man, what are you on about? It seems you've gone and confusticated and bebothered my good wife. The last time she was in such a state, she ended up burnin' the scones.

Lobelia: Scones, scones, scones...if it aint the tea, it's the scones. I get no appreciation 'round 'ere. *begins sobbing*

Otho: There, there, my dear, the last batch of scones was absolutely lovely. They were a triumph.

Lobelia: You...you think so?

Otho: A delight, my dear. Every bit as good as Beladonna Took's.

Gandalf: Excuse me...

Otho: What, are you still here? Be off with you, rapscallion, or I shall be forced to call the Shiriffs! There's laws against loitering I'll have you know.

Gandalf: [sighing in exasperation] Would you be so kind as to tell Bilbo Baggins that Gandalf is here. I was here only yesterday and spoke with him...

Lobelia: Ah, so it was you! Look, Otho, 'ees the one as scratched up the door with those queer markings. Must've used that nasty stick.

Otho: There's laws against defacing private property I'll have you know! You, sir, are a vagrant and a vandal!

Lobelia: Be off with you! Be off a'fore we sic the Bounders on ye!

*Lobelia hits Gandalf squarely in the nose with her bumbershoot*

Narrator: And so Gandalf, abashed by such a brazen attack on his Maiaric personage (albeit disguised in a corporeal manifestation to give him a less ethereal appearance), staggers in uncertainty away from the quaint hobbit-hole at Bag-end, little realizing that the conniving Sackville-Bagginses have been granted power-of-attorney by the high court in Michel Delving, and had poor Bilbo committed for reasons of rowing boats, being seen in the company of frolicking elves, feeding dwarves out of season, and generally behaving in a manner inconsistent with accustomed upper-class Hobbitish practices.

Tune in tomorrow for our next exciting chapter: Bilbo's Bail Out of Bounds

05-16-2008, 10:17 PM	#11
Morthoron Curmudgeonly Wordwraith Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Ensconced in curmudgeonly pursuits Posts: 2,528	Narrator: One morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green, the inestimable wizard Gandalf found himself once again at the brightly-painted, round door of the hobbit-hole at Bag-end. Smiling, he raps lightly at the door with his great staff. Knock Knock Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo is it? Gandalf: It is I, Gandalf. Voice from behind the door: 'Ooo? Gandalf: [clearing his throat] Gandalf...it's Gandalf! Voice from behind the door: Go 'way, there's nobody 'ome. Gandalf: Nonsense! I can hear you as plain as day! Silence Gandalf: [now knocking more persistently] Open up this instant! Voice from behind the door: We don't want any! Gandalf: I'm not here to give anyone anything, dash it all! Open up, I wish to speak with Bilbo Baggins! Muttering and whispers from behind the door Voice from behind the door: 'Ees away on Holiday. Coom back next spring. Gandalf: This is preposterous! Open up, I say! Open up or I shall turn you into something unpleasant! More muttering and whispers, then the door opens to reveal an old hobbit-hag Gandalf: Good morning. Old Hag: Good mornin'? And what's good about it, I should like to know? What with strange old geezers with big, nasty sticks lurkin' about, threatenin' poor innocent folk. I told my 'usband the Shire was goin' to 'ell in a 'andbasket, but did 'ee listen...no! Gandalf: [looking rather perturbed] By 'good morning' I merely meant to offer you a suitable greeting. I could just as well have said 'hello'. Old Hag: Better to 'ave said goodbye and be done with it. Goodbye! Gandalf: Now wait just a moment! Where is Bilbo Baggins? I demand to see him! Old Hag: You...demand? Well aint that just like a filthy beggar to be puttin' on airs! All high and mighty and not a farthing to clean up those dirty gray rags. We'll just see about this...OTHO! O-T-H-O! A distiguished Hobbit appears at the door, wearing a green velvet smoking jacket and fez, and smoking a meerschaum Otho: See here, Lobelia, what's all this caterwauling about? You've interrupted my tea. Lobelia: I'll interrupt more than your tea, you great lummox. This smelly old bugger won't leave. Says 'es 'ere to see Bilbo Baggins. Demandin' to do so, 'ee is! Otho: Preposterous! Look here, my good man, what are you on about? It seems you've gone and confusticated and bebothered my good wife. The last time she was in such a state, she ended up burnin' the scones. Lobelia: Scones, scones, scones...if it aint the tea, it's the scones. I get no appreciation 'round 'ere. begins sobbing Otho: There, there, my dear, the last batch of scones was absolutely lovely. They were a triumph. Lobelia: You...you think so? Otho: A delight, my dear. Every bit as good as Beladonna Took's. Gandalf: Excuse me... Otho: What, are you still here? Be off with you, rapscallion, or I shall be forced to call the Shiriffs! There's laws against loitering I'll have you know. Gandalf: [sighing in exasperation] Would you be so kind as to tell Bilbo Baggins that Gandalf is here. I was here only yesterday and spoke with him... Lobelia: Ah, so it was you! Look, Otho, 'ees the one as scratched up the door with those queer markings. Must've used that nasty stick. Otho: There's laws against defacing private property I'll have you know! You, sir, are a vagrant and a vandal! Lobelia: Be off with you! Be off a'fore we sic the Bounders on ye! Lobelia hits Gandalf squarely in the nose with her bumbershoot Narrator: And so Gandalf, abashed by such a brazen attack on his Maiaric personage (albeit disguised in a corporeal manifestation to give him a less ethereal appearance), staggers in uncertainty away from the quaint hobbit-hole at Bag-end, little realizing that the conniving Sackville-Bagginses have been granted power-of-attorney by the high court in Michel Delving, and had poor Bilbo committed for reasons of rowing boats, being seen in the company of frolicking elves, feeding dwarves out of season, and generally behaving in a manner inconsistent with accustomed upper-class Hobbitish practices. Tune in tomorrow for our next exciting chapter: Bilbo's Bail Out of Bounds __________________ And your little sister's immaculate virginity wings away on the bony shoulders of a young horse named George who stole surreptitiously into her geography revision. Last edited by Morthoron; 05-25-2008 at 10:28 AM.