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Old 01-18-2005, 11:19 AM   #15
Aiwendil
Late Istar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 2,129
Aiwendil has been trapped in the Barrow!
I'm not sure when I'll get time to finish looking over this section, so I'll post the comments on what I've reviewed so far.

§43a (§27)
Quote:
woods about the River {Gelion}[Duin Dear]
Dear > Daer here and throughout.

I wonder if we should replace "River Gelion" with "Duin Daer" rather than with "River Duin Daer" - "Duin" means "River", and seems to be redundant.

RD-EX-66
Quote:
<Sil77 {At}And at that time Beren and Lúthien{ yet} dwelt in Tol Galen, the Green Isle, in the River Adurant, southernmost of the streams that falling from Ered Lindon flowed down to join with {Gelion}[Duin Dear]; and their son Dior Eluchíl had to wife Nimloth, kinswoman of Celeborn, prince of Doriath, who was wedded to the Lady Galadriel. The sons of Dior and Nimloth were Eluréd and Elurín; and a daughter also was born to them, and she was named Elwing, which is Star-spray, for she was born on a night of stars, whose light glittered in the spray of the waterfall of Lanthir Lamath beside her father's house.>
As usual, I'm a bit hesitant about using the '77. Is there not a primary text that can serve the same purpose? I will look.

In any case, I don't understand the deletion of "yet".

RD-EX-67
Elfin > Elven

§43b (§28)
Quote:
To the north of that region is a ford across the river {Gelion}[Duin Dear]
I think "is" should become "was" in keeping with our general removal of the historical present.

RD-EX-68
I don't see why we need to use this from the '77 if we immediately afterward have Melian bring them the news.

RD-EX-70
The changes here are fairly liberal but I think they work. One problem is:

Quote:
and {Huan} [Melian] said: ‘Fire and death and {the terror of Orcs; but} Thingol is slain.’>
This is awkward. I would make it either:

Quote:
and {Huan} [Melian] said: ‘Fire and death and the terror of {Orcs} [the Dwarves]; but Thingol is slain.’>
or

Quote:
and {Huan} [Melian] said: ‘Fire and death {and the terror of Orcs}; but Thingol is slain.’>
§45 & §46a (§30)
Quote:
<TN Then did both Beren and Tinúviel weep bitter tears; nor did the full tale {of Huan} dry their eyes.
A very minor point - why not change "Huan" to "Melian" here and thus stay closer to the text?

§46b (§31)
Quote:
<TN Now not even Beren knew the tale of those{ myriad} folk that followed his horn in the woods of{ Hisilome}[Ossiriand], and or ever the moon was high above the hills {the host}[a small company] assembled in the glade of his abiding {was very}[seemed him] great[ enough], yet were they lightly armed and the most bore only knives and bows.
This leaves an awkward sentence. I would make it:

Quote:
<TN Now not even Beren knew the tale of those {myriad} folk that followed his horn in the woods of{ Hisilome}[Ossiriand], and or ever the moon was high above the hills the {host}[small company] assembled in the glade of his abiding {was very}[seemed] great [enough to him], yet were they lightly armed and the most bore only knives and bows.
RD-EX-72
Quote:
§46c (§32) <TN Now is to tell that the laden host of the Dwarves fared from the place of their ransacking, and Naugladur was at their head>. RD-EX-72 <TN {Now tells the tale that}And he fell in with the rangers of Beren's folk, and these gaining{ from him} sure knowledge of all the host and array of Naugladur and the ways he purposed to follow, they sped back like wind among the trees unto their lord
This doesn't make sense to me. Who fell in with the rangers of Beren's folk? As the text stands, the 'he' seems to refer to Naugladur, which is absurd. In fact, with the removal of Ufedhin I think we must also lose the idea that anyone from Naugladur's group joined with Beren's folk and gave them information. Rather, the rangers simply espied the Dwarves or gained knowledge of them through woodcraft. I would say:

Quote:
§46c (§32) <TN Now is to tell that the laden host of the Dwarves fared from the place of their ransacking, and Naugladur was at their head>. RD-EX-72 <TN {Now tells the tale that he fell in with} And the rangers of Beren's folk{, and these gaining from him} [gained] {sure} knowledge of all the host and array of Naugladur and the ways he purposed to follow, [and] they sped back like wind among the trees unto their lord
It's perhaps a bit risky since I've altered the grammatical function of "the rangers of Beren's folk", but I think it's okay.

RD-EX-73
Quote:
{ No longer did he march hotly on the trail of the Dwarves, but knowing} Knowing that they would essay the passage of the river {Aros}[Duin Dear] at a certain time he turned aside,
I would delete "at a certain time" since he no longer gets specific indormation from Ufedhin.

RD-EX-74
I would delete the historical present here as well.

§46f (§35)
Quote:
<TN Suddenly {is} was all that place filled with the sound of elfin horns, and one {...}[brayed] with a clearer blast above the rest, and {it is}[that was] the horn of Beren
A minor point, but I would make it:

Quote:
<TN Suddenly {is}was all that place filled with the sound of elfin horns, and one {...}[brayed] with a clearer blast above the rest, and it {is} [was] the horn of Beren
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