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Old 07-07-2020, 03:36 PM   #25
Galadriel55
Blossom of Dwimordene
 
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The realm of forgotten words
Posts: 10,299
Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.Galadriel55 is lost in the dark paths of Moria.
FINALLY I actually read it to the end! Twice on my brief breaks I tried to read through the whole thing, and both times got called away for work half way through. The result of which was that the song wqs stuck in my head during a surgery, creating a hilatious juxtaposition of dialogue. "Lights off please! - But you are not up to games of light and darkness!", or "Pass me the clamp! - Quendi are merely servants of the masters that they curse!" I was dying of curiosity to see how you would translate the Quendi insult - I love the way it sounds!

I think dropping the rhyme here is not too noticeable, but it's nice when it pops up. It's a pretty complicated (and somewhat arbitrary) rhyming scheme, but it's nice to still have Luthien do some of her rhyming couplets. Sauron is of course Sauron, no wishy washy rhyming for him.

Quote:
Nothing you do will change a note of Arda's Song of Life
The threads are woven in their pattern strong and drear and tight
I might be mistaken, if I'm just reading this line incorrectly, but I think you're over the rhythm on the first line by a beat. "Of Life" sticks out extra. Even if I count strong beats, it's supposed to be 7, but the top line has 7.5 or 8 (plus a rhythm break in the middle). What if you just lop off the end, and shuffle the second line to end on "strong" to rhyme with Song?

Nothing you can do will change a note of Arda's Song
Threads are woven in their pattern drear and tight and strong.

Or -

Nothing that you do will change the Arda's Song of Life


I can't figure out a way to fit all three elements in their entirety. I really like the Nothing, it's very Saurony, and "change a note" is beautiful. It just doesn't seem to fit into the rhythm.

I got called away again in the midst of this post, and forgot the other thing I meant to write. But it will come to me.
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