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Old 09-25-2017, 06:35 PM   #7
gandalf85
Pile O'Bones
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 15
gandalf85 has just left Hobbiton.
I'm new to this forum so I apologize if I am misinterpreting how to read the draft. Here are some suggestions:

Quote:
… And there was strife between Melkor and the Valar{, and for a time Melkor departed and withdrew to other regions and did there what he would, but he did not put the desire of the kingdom of Arda from his heart}.>
BoT-04 <Ainulidale D §29 {And when he had ended the Ainulindalė, such as Rśmil had made it, Pengološ the Sage paused a while; and Ęlfwine said to him:} Little{, you say, would}[ was told by] the Valar{ tell} to the Eldar of the days before their coming.{: but do not the wise among you know more of those ancient wars than Rśmil has here set forth? Or will you not tell me more of the Valar as they were when first your kindred beheld and knew them?
}{§30 And Pengološ answered: … But some little more I may tell to thee now, since thou askest it of me.
§31 This}But this tale {I have heard also among}<was learned from> the lore masters in ages past. {For they tell us that the}The war began before Arda was full-shaped, and ere yet there was anything that grew or walked upon earth, and for long Melkor had the upper hand. BoT-05 <AAm {And Melkor}He wrought great ruin with fire and deadly cold and marred all that the other Valar made.>
So the text will go as follows: "And there was strife between Melkor and the Valar. Little was told by the Valar to the Eldar of the days before their coming. But this tale was learned from the lore masters in ages past. The war began..." The second and third sentences seem out of place. The Valar have already arrived on what will become Arda and started shaping it. I propose removing these sentences.

Quote:
The information that it was in the wielding of flame that Tulkas overcome Melkor is only given in the outline.
Are there any other references to Tulkas using fire? I've always imagined Melkor's primary element as fire, and using fire to overcome him seems bizarre.

Quote:
BoT-13<Ainulidale D §31 In that time the Valar brought order to the seas and the lands and the mountains, and Yavanna planted at last the seeds that she had long devised. BoT-14{And since, when the fires had been subdued}<Of Valinor and the two Trees But since Melkor had perverted light to a destroying flame, when he was gone and his fires were subdued> or buried beneath the primeval hills{, there was need of light, Aulė wrought two mighty lamps for the enlightenment of the Middle-earth } <Of Valinor and the two Trees the Valar perceived that the Earth was dark, save for the glimmer of the innumerable stars which Varda had made in the ages unrecorded of the labours of Eä.
This seems to contradict the paragraph starting "As a shadow Melkor did not then conceive himself. …" Tolkien describes here how Illuvatar gifted the stars to Varda. She brought the stars with her to Eä, she didn't make them. Maybe just change this to "which Varda had brought".

Quote:
Aulė, therefore, at the prayer of Yavanna, wrought two mighty Lamps {[added: Illuin and Ormal]} for the lighting of Arda
It seems like the names of the lamps are being removed here? Illuin is referenced by name later, so it makes sense to introduce their names here.
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