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Old 08-30-2017, 06:11 PM   #4
ArcusCalion
Shade of Carn DŻm
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 389
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VT-EX-14.5: Here is my suggestion:

Quote:
Thither in after days fared the Elves of all the clans who were by illhap slain with weapons or did die of grief for those that were slain — and only so might the Eldar die, and then it was only for a while. There Mandos spake their doom, and there they waited in the darkness, dreaming of their past deeds, until such time as he appointed when they might {again} be {born into their children,}[re-housed,] and go forth to laugh and sing again. <insert Thither came [also] the sons of Men to hear their doom, and thither are they brought by all the multitude of ills that Melkor’s evil music set within the world. Slaughters and fires, hungers and mishaps, diseases and blows dealt in the dark, cruelty and bitter cold and anguish and their own folly bring them here; and {Fui}[NiŽnna] reads their hearts.>
To VÍ {Fui}[VairŽ] came not much{,}[.] {for she labored rather at the distilling of salt humors whereof are tears, and black clouds she wove and floated up that they were caught in the winds and went about the world, and their lightless webs settled ever and anon upon those that dwelt therein. Now these tissues were despairs and hopeless mourning, sorrows and blind grief.} The hall that she loved best was one yet wider and more dark than VÍ, and she too named it {with her own name}, calling it Fui. Therein before her black chair burnt a brazier with a single flickering coal, and the roof was of bats' wings, and the pillars that upheld it and the walls about were made of basalt.>
the tense shifts from past to present throughout the paragraph, should this be fixed? In addition the italicized bit should be changed to fit Tolkien's latest conception of elvish rebirth.

Last edited by ArcusCalion; 08-30-2017 at 06:21 PM.
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