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Old 10-30-2017, 11:57 PM   #16
ArcusCalion
Shade of Carn Dm
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 319
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Silmaril

Here are my comments for the draft proposed. Like the "Of the Beginning of Time" draft, I am very impressed at the overall improvement in flow and quality, and have some comments.

VT-EX-01b: is the addition of "ancient" really necessary? when this was written the round world numenoran cataclysm had already entered the mythos, so the ancient word was implied already.

VT-LQ-01.5: I actually realize now that this contradicts the addition of the "vast regions of Ea" into the Cosmological structure with Ainulindale D and later AAm. Should this be changed from "Void and Eldest Darkness" to "Vast Spaces of Ea"?

VT-EX-03.1: In this version, the "Mountains of Valinor" and just "Valinor" occur before the introduction of the name Valinor as the land of the Valar. Is this a problem?

VT-LT-03.5: This is awkward. Maybe instead of changing "their" to "its" at every occurrence, just change the first "Their roofs" to "The roofs of its buildings were .." and leave the "their"s afterwards. Makes it smoother.

VT-EX-30.1: Arie is said to be a Maia of Vana, so this wording cannot stay this way. Maybe
Quote:
.... to her bidding, and caused one of {her}[the maidens of Vna], even {Urwen}[Arie] ....
VT-LQ-04b: Nowhere in this passage does it say that the wells are near Ezellohar. If there is no actual source saying that they are, then I would recommend that the descriptions of the resting places of the cauldrons be retained in the later part of the chapter.

VT-LT-05: Nothing wrong with this, but in the paragraph after this addition, it says the Noldor call Varda Elbereth, but as this name is Sindarin, should tis be changed to Sindar?

VT-LT-06: At the end of the paragraph, per my comment on the LQ-04b, I would add back in the description of the resting place of Silindirin.

VT-LT-08b: Why remove so much of the sentence? Only the part about Makar seems unfit, the rest is pretty important.

VT-LT-11.5: I would add back the description of the resting place of Culullin, see above.

VT-LT-12: why remove V? Even if it is not his own name, there is no real reason to remove it.

VT-LT-13: This last paragraph cause me and Fin a bunch of trouble, and I like the direction you took much better. However, many of my old objections still apply. Much of the Lost Tales descriptions of Nienna are entirely at odds with her later persona, and thus we need to remove or greatly edit much of this paragraph. Firstly, this:
Quote:
labored {rather} at the distilling of salt humours whereof are tears, and black clouds she wove and floated up that they were caught in the winds and went about the world, and their lightless webs settled ever and anon upon those that dwelt therein. Now these tissues were despairs and hopeless mourning, sorrows and blind grief.
is entirely unlike her. She is not despair, she is pity, hope, courage. She feels the sadness of the world, but she offers means to cope. She therefore cannot be said to make tears or despairs and hopeless mourning. I would personally remove the entirety of the pasage, but if you wish to update it instead good luck. Secondly, the Halls of Nienna can hardly be said to be more wide and dark than Mandos, the Halls of which "ever widen as the ages pass." Therefore, I worry that this description might be too tied to the Hall in Mandos idea, rather than the later idea of a separate Hall "west of West." Certainly, the grim underworld descriptions of it do not fit her later character at all.
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