[Meela]

This is the actual movie script, only re-written slightly to my own taste.


Gandalf: This film goes ever on and on, right from the boring scene where it began…

Frodo (runs over and trips on an unsuspecting mushroom) you're on time… how… where…

Gandalf: A wizard is never on time, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. Or late. Nor does he keep an alarm clock about his person to tell him when he’s overslept!

Frodo: well, I know what to get you for your birthday. How old will you be?

Gandalf: 27.

(They look at each other, trying to keep a straight face. Gandalf's mouth begins to twitch. They both laugh.)

(Frodo jumps onto his wagon, but trips and rolls off.)

Frodo: It's wonderful to see you, Gandalf! Even though I can’t actually see you right now!

Gandalf: You didn't think I'd miss your uncle Bilbo's birthday?

Frodo: Well, we didn’t put your name down on the presents list… So. What news of the outside world? Tell me everything.

Gandalf: Everything? You're far too eager and curious for a hobbit. Most unnatural... Well, what can I tell you? Life in the wide world goes on, much as it has these few minutes. Those people sat in the cinema must be falling asleep. Most of them will be scarcely aware of the existence of hobbits. For which I am very thankful…

Hobbit: (hides) Look! It's Gandalf!

(The other hobbits run and hide. Gandalf shrugs and moves on.)

Gandalf: Ooh - (Hobbits are seen putting up party tents) the long expected party. So how is the old rascal? I hear it's going to be a party of special magnificence.

Frodo: You know Bilbo. He's got the whole place in an uproar.

Gandalf: Now, well, that should please him.

Frodo: Half the Shire's been invited! And those trolls from up north! And those barbaric men from down south! And the entire squirrel population of Arnor!

Gandalf: Good gracious!

Frodo: He's up to something…

Gandalf: Hmm... well, I daresay you’ll find out soon enough. I know the audience can’t wait. But then, if I’d had to sit through this scene even I’d be ecstatic about a meaningless little party. But this party isn’t quite so meaningless as they think… (leans towards the camera and nods knowingly)

Frodo: All right then, keep your secrets. Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of.

Gandalf: Indeed.

Frodo: Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.

Gandalf: Oh, come off it, Frodo…

Frodo: Ok, there have been a few incidents…

Gandalf: (mutters) Oh, really?

Frodo: alright, a lot…

(Gandalf nods satisfied, then ducks as a bunch of hobbit kids run towards him.)

Gandalf: I’m not here… (Frodo nods and takes the reins)

Hobbit kids: Gandalf! Gandalf's not here! (they cheer)

Gandalf lets some fireworks out of the back of the wagon. Hobbit children scream. Gandalf laughs.

The wagon goes on a little bit farther, the Gandalf stops it for Frodo to get out.

Frodo: Gandalf - (Stands up and holds onto the post on the wagon) I'm glad you're back.

As Frodo prepares to jump off the wagon, Gandalf moves the cart forward a step. Frodo falls flat on his face.

Gandalf: (mutters to himself) Well, I'm not.