View Single Post
Old 07-01-2004, 04:33 PM   #191
Eidolon of a Took
Diamond18's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: my own private fantasy world
Posts: 3,561
Diamond18 is a guest of Tom Bombadil.
Pipe And thus it continued....

Back in the Mire, the Midshipwo/men were mucking about in the literal mire on the road. Kuruharan continued to use vile language to express himself, and it is here again represented by various punctuation marks.

“^&%#! This isn’t a road, it’s a $!@#-($*#ing swamp!”

The Dipshippers ignored him, as was their wont, each of them also battling the muck. At one point Earnur drew his sword and heroically smote the ground, declaring in manful tones, “Thou shall not prevent us from passing!” Griper burst into tears as it sank to its hilt in the mire, but Earnur heeded it not, drawing it out and shaking it above his head. It was not clear what this accomplished, besides spattering Orogarn Two and the Gateskeeper with mud and other elements. Grralph, weighted down with his weighty cloaks, sighed as he pressed thinggedly along. Merisu, Pimpi, and Leninia wrinkled their noses and lifted their skirts as they skirted the puddles, but then they remembered that they had mounts to ride, and mounted them sensibly. Soregum’s little red-eyed pony, however, looked miserable as she sank to her knees, and so Soregum was obliged to remove his weight from her equine person and traverse the gloop on foot. Chrysophylax wrinkled his snout as the tenacious goop squished between his toes and coated his scales, though he did have to pause to admire his footprints. Only Vogonwë was unencumbered, leaping from his horse, the slow and mud-hassled Tweedledum, to walk lightly on top of the bog. He waved to the others and declared, “I go to find the sun!” It was not clear what he meant by this, but nobody bothered to ask as they feared it was a snippet of a poem.

“What an odd little land,” Merisu observed, kneeing Falafel forward through the mud. “The grass is beautiful and green, the sky is pristine blue, the palm trees sway lightly in the breeze, but whoever is in charge of the roads is just doing an awful job!”

“It is lush, isn’t it?” Leninia said, eyeing the pretty flowers alongside the road. “Lord Etceteron, would you be a dear and pluck that rose from its bush for me?”

Earnur had been slashing his way through the glop, and paused with brown splatters running down his face. “Rose bush?” he said slowly, looking around in a muddy daze. He spied the flowery flora in question and drew back the mighty Griper, with murder in his eye. He fell upon the rosebush and the rosebush knew fear. Leaves and petals flew into the air, showering the Whipshippers with a cloud of ravished pollen. Leninia and Pimpi lifted their faces to the sky and felt like Elven princesses on their wedding day, even though they did not, as far as we can tell, have Elven blood. Merisu on the other hand was a little nonplussed, even though she was Elven and probably a forgotten princess of some sort to boot.

“I say,” she said, “Lord Etceteron, what did that rosebush ever do to you?”

Earnur, done with vanquishing the bush, turned to her and quoth, “It was looking at me funny.” He then presented Leninia with a single, perfect pink rose, and returned to vanquishing the mud.

Vogonwë, moved by the spectacle, turned his face to the sun and quoth:

The bush was bushed
By Lord EE
With a whoosh
And the mud went ghoosh
Under the hoofs
Of the steeds
And the weeds
Grew abundantly
On the side of the road

“Where is everybody?” Merisu wondered out loud. “I see quaint little houses and odd little burrows with round painted doors, but no one is coming to welcome us.”

“Or throw rocks at Vogonwë,” Kuruharan added.

“I do hope we can find a bite to eat,” said Pimpi. “I’m starving.”

They came at last to a gate blocking the way over a bridge, and Merisu stepped up, calling out, “Yoo hoo? Is there anybody there?”

At that a window slammed, and a crowd of hobbits holding gigantic lollypops poured out of the house on the left. They opened the gate, and came over the bridge, circling around the Quipship. Then, to the Quipship’s surprise, they began to dance jerkily and sing; “We represent the Lollygag Guild, the Lollygag Guild, the Lollygag Guild. We represent the Lollygag Guild and we’d like to say something but we can’t remember the rest of this soooo-ong!” With that they each fell to one knee in the mushy path, extending their lollypops to the Popshoppers.

“Er,” said Merisu ingeniously.

One of the taller hobbits stood and said, “Welcome, friends, to the Mire! We represent the Lollygag Guild, otherwise known as the Welcome Committee and Road Crew. Mostly, however, we just lollygag with our lollypops. Would you care to join us?”

“Actually that sounds like fun,” said Vogonwë.

“Road Crew, eh?” Kuruharan stepped up. “I’d like to log a complaint with your customer service bureau, in that case, because your roads are simply rubbish.”

“Never mind that,” Merisu shook her head. “It’s kind of you to offer us your hospitality, but might you instead give us directions to the nearest inn?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to lollygag with us? We really recommend it. In fact, you might be sorry if you don’t,” the hobbit said, as he and his comrades ringed around the rosey just a little bit closer. “We take our welcoming committee duties very seriously.”

“Thank you, but no,” Merisu said patiently. “We want nothing more than directions to an inn.”

“And eatery,” nodded Pimpi.

“And spa,” Leninia paused from sniffing her rose to bat her eyelashes.

“And pipeweed stash… er… store,” Soregum tapped his empty pipe.

“And Chinese laundry,” said the Gateskeeper, ruffling his sodden robes.

“And karaoke bar,” said Grrralph, whose robes were self cleaning.

“And tattoo parlor,” said Orogarn Two, inexplicably.

“No,” said the leader. “You must lollygag with us. You must gag as we gag and lolly as we lolly, for it is written in the Lollygag Manifesto, ‘Let all who enter the gate go not from that place until they have first obeyed the whim of the welcoming committee’.”

Then Earnur fell upon the Lollygag Guild, and the Lollygag Guild knew fear.

They scattered from the roadway as his sword slashed among them, shattering their lollypops and griping that the sugar could not be good for its blade. “We shall pass!” he cried, a fey yet manful look in his eyes.

“I’m terribly sorry,” Merisu murmured as the hobbits ran screaming into the house and slammed the door. “I guess we’ll just find our way around by ourselves. You know how men detest asking for directions and all.” The Calamityship then shuffled through the gate and over the bridge, Chrysophylax munching on bits of shattered lollypop and Earnur swinging his sword menacingly.

Vogonwë quoth:

They represented the Lollygag Guild
And he smote their ruin
Upon the riverside
And we walk over their ruin
And it tastes pretty good

Last edited by Diamond18; 07-06-2004 at 11:24 PM.
Diamond18 is offline