[Morthoron]

Roast Mutton, Part I

Narrator: Bilbo awoke the next morning with a pounding headache. All the previous night the dwarves and Gandalf had spoken in low whispers regarding the dragon, Smaug, of the far-off Lonely Mountain, and the burgling of the treasure that was to be done by the reluctant Bilbo.

Bilbo: Thank goodness, it was all a bad dream! Probably brought on by an undigested bit of beef.

*A scantily clad hobbit-maid enters Bilbo's bedchamber bearing a tray with hot tea and a steaming breakfast*

Bilbo: Hello...who are you?

Bawdy: Don't be silly, dear Bilbo! I am Bawdy...Bawdy Brandybuck, the contractually obligatory Hollywood love-interest. One can't very well have an epic movie now-a-days without a love interest, even if it has no bearing on the story itself, nor has anything whatsoever to do with the original plot.

*A quick shot of Dumplin the dwarf, who says: "But I thought I was the contractually obligatory Hollywood love-interest!"*

Bilbo: I see...

Bawdy: Yes, and I've practiced my forlorn, teary-eyed face all weekend for when you depart on your silly adventure. See?

*Bawdy makes a forlorn, teary-eyed face*

Bilbo: Yes, of course. Nicely done.

Bawdy: Thank you. One can almost sense me pining, can't one?

Bilbo: Right.

Bawdy: Would you like to see the winsome, sultry face I'll be doing for the flashback sequences?

Bilbo: No, that won't be necessary. Look, who did you say you were again?

Bawdy: I am Bawdy Brandybuck, your cousin twice-removed on your mother's side, and thrice removed on your father's. I guess you could say I have a little of you in me at both ends. [smiles wistfully]

Bilbo: [mouth agape] Right.

Bawdy: Oh dear, I had almost forgotten, Gandalf left you a letter...

*Bilbo snatches the letter and quickly rips it open*

Gandalf: My Dearest Bilbo: By now you will have realized that last night was not, in fact, a dream, but rather the beginning of a long, hard road...

*Bawdy tossles Bilbo's hair*

Gandalf: We shall endeavor to throttle the serpent with both hands...

*Bawdy caresses Bilbo's leg and gives him a peck on the cheek*

Gandalf: We must come at him with everything we've got...

*Bawdy kisses Bilbo's neck*

Gandalf: We shall not finish until the deed is done...

*Bilbo reaches over to kiss Bawdy*

Gandalf: BILBO! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?

*Bilbo snaps out of his reverie and continues reading*

Gandalf: Now, you are already late, it's almost noon and the dwarves and I have already started our march. You must leave immediately!

Bilbo: Drat!

Gandalf: AND NO BACK TALK!

*Bilbo sighs, pushes Bawdy aside and hurriedly starts dressing*

Bawdy: [distressed] But, but you can't go yet...we haven't...haven't...

Bilbo: [distractedly, as he pulled on his breeches] Haven't what?

Bawdy: We haven't...bumped uglies.

Bilbo: [Still distracted] Well, I'm sorry, m'dear, I've no time for bumping uglies or bumping anything else for that matter. Gandalf is a wizard, after all, and he's far too dangerous when he is angered. Now, goodbye my dear, I must run!

Bawdy: BILBO! [Gives her best forlorn, teary-eyed face]

*Bilbo runs out the door without so much as a good-bye*

Bawdy: Blimey! Well, if that don't beat all!

*Bawdy lays back in the bed and sighs*

Bawdy: Alright Gaffer, you can come out now.

*Gaffer Gamgee jumps out of a wardrobe and falls into the waiting arms of Bawdy*

Narrator: And so Bilbo has run off on his adventure, leaving poor Bawdy Brandybuck...errrr...pining in the bedchamber. As Biblo runs panting along the road, he realizes that in his haste to be away, he has left many important items behind, essentials that he is never without when off on a journey: his walking stick, his handkerchiefs, his handy shaving kit with travel toothbrush and nose-hair tweakers. But worst of all...he has forgotten to bump uglies!

Bilbo: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!