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Old 07-12-2003, 08:21 AM   #9
Kuruharan
Regal Dwarven Shade
 
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: A Remote Dwarven Hold
Posts: 3,685
Kuruharan is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.Kuruharan is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.Kuruharan is battling Black Riders on Weathertop.
Tolkien

Meanwhile and Elsewhere…

The wind howled, kicking up immense clouds of dust. This is a bleak and unpleasant land in the southwestern area of the northeastern region of the northernmost parts of this southernmost quadrant of Muddled Mirth. The wind whipped through the canyons of jagged mountains as it sped on toward where ever it was going. These mountains were low and rent with many crags, pits, and caverns.

If some improbable traveler to these inhospitable regions had happened on this particular day to stick his head inside a certain one of the larger caverns, he would have heard a rather unusual noise. It was a strange thumping, a muffled sound but very powerful. An almost ominous crashing, punctuated by occasional bursts of intense flame.

This imaginary wanderer might have thought that this noise was the early rumblings of a great earthquake. Or perhaps a new volcano was about to erupt and it would be advisable to abscond from the area in the most expeditious manner possible.

Possibly, just possibly, in the most fevered and fanciful parts of the imagination, the traveler would have guessed at the truth. Deep under the earth a titanic struggle was taking place between two monstrous creatures from the dawn of time (and one dwarf and chia pet).

In a dark cavern of awesome size and majesty, far below where our mythical traveler is (not) standing, a tremendous roaring abruptly erupted. The cavern shook with the fury of the sound and sudden flashes of red light blazed forth from one of the openings.

Suddenly a small figure sprang forth from that opening. It was a disheveled, soiled, smoky figure of a dwarf. His once fine robes were now covered with dirt and blood and were partially burned. A golden chain and dragon pendent were tarnished to the point of being almost unrecognizable. His singed brown hair and beard were in a wild cloud about his head. He had two large axes thrust into his once splendid belt. Both axes were notched. In his hands he carried a pair of large, fully-loaded, multi-shot crossbows.

As this sorry figure scrambled across the cavern’s rocky bottom there was another tremendous roar and the dwarf was tossed to the floor.

"Horse-Radish!!" cried the dwarf, using one of the ugliest curses in all of Khuzdul. He clawed his way among the rocks, looking for a place that would serve his purpose. Behind him another massive burst of flame erupted from the opening. Finding a spot to his liking the dwarf settled among the rocks and aimed his crossbows at the opening.

There was a momentary pause.

*CRASH-BANG* came another mountain-shuddering jolt.

A shape surged forth out of the opening. It was a large creature, shaped like a huge snake with four strong legs and huge wings. It was, in fact, a dragon. Its sides were scored as if by huge rending claws (which in fact they were). This terrible creature stood glaring down into the opening for a minute. He let loose a burst of flame so intense that it would have burnt the wings off a Balrog (assuming that the Balrog had wings).

*BOOM-THUD* Something huge slammed into the side of the opening and part of the wall broke and fell to the floor with a crash and a thud.

"Get clear!" yelled the dwarf to the dragon. (A circumstance that the fictitious wanderer would have found curious in the extreme.)

The dragon scrambled backwards with surprising agility. It hunkered down behind some boulders near another opening in the cavern.

With a deafening snarl of rage a gigantic shape suddenly burst through the opening and crashed down in the middle of the cavern. It was a monstrous hydra-esque creature with many heads, as many mouths, and many more teeth to go with them. It too bore signs of battle. Two of its heads dragged useless and dead behind it, and one of its long necks terminated in a bloody stump. It was blackened by fire. It was, consequently, not in a very good mood, and it still had plenty more heads with which to vent its frustration.

The dwarf let fly with his crossbows, loosing a volley of bolts that would have mown down a regiment of orcs. The wave of bolts sliced into one of the creature’s necks, causing it to crash to the floor with an impact that caused part of the floor to fall away.

The monster let out a earth-splitting roar of rage, causing more of the floor to give way, and it sprang at the dwarf.

"Liver-n-Onions!!!" screeched the dwarf, as he scampered off through the rocks. (His mother would have been appalled to hear him use such language!) However, no dwarf is going to outrun a hydra-thingamajig. The beast sprang forward and landed in front of the fleeing dwarf. One of the dead heads smacked the dwarf on the creature’s way over and the dwarf went flying off to the side, over a ledge, and thumped down to the floor below.

The monster pounced down upon the dwarf.

Suddenly, the dragon went flying right over the heads of the hydra. The hydra snapped many rows of razor-sharp teeth at the dragon, but narrowly missed. All of the hydra’s heads went flying up at the spot where the dragon was flapping. This was what the dragon had been counting on, he suddenly dodged and dropped to the cavern floor. All the hydra’s heads went crashing together with a sickening, yet very satisfying, thud. The appalling creature teetered, and then crashed to the ground.

"Good work Chrysophylax!" yelped the dwarf. "Now get it off me!!"

"Owwwwwww…." moaned Chrysophylax Dives. He just stood there a little limply, trying to remember when he had ever been in this much pain. "My wing…my side…my back…my head…my pinkie claw…" he groaned, enumerating some of the many places where he felt discomfort. "Why, oh why did I come along on this trip?"

"If you hadn’t knocked over the stalagmite and woke that thing up this might not have happened! Now get it off me!" bawled the dwarf.

"If you are going to be like that, I think I may just not!" snapped Chrysophylax.

"*Groan!* What is it you want?" moaned the dwarf.

"I think that with this specimen you will have collected more than enough snake-oil, don’t you agree?"

The dwarf did not particularly, but felt it best to go along with the dragon’s wishes.

The dragon then obligingly pulled the hydra off the dwarf.

Kuruharan emerged from the wreckage very much worse for wear. Looking at the remains of his clothing he sighed, "Oh well, if we bring along that thing’s treasure I’ll be able to buy myself a new outfit."

Then, instead of rejoicing at the triumph over the great beast, Kuruharan ran over to the opening, picked up a few shattered shards of pottery, and burst into tears.

"Alas and Alack!!!" wailed the dwarf. "I’ve lost my chia pet!! Boo-Hoo!!! Oh! Woe is Ralph!"

"Whatever," said the dragon apathetically.

*GASP!* exclaimed a scandalized Kuruharan. "Have you no respect for the dead?!!!"

Kuruharan suddenly remembered the fate of the unfortunate (and post-orcusly devoured) Gravlox.

"Oh, wait, no I suppose you don’t! But Ralph always liked you. He helped you swindle those migrating Pot-n-Tots out of their yak-hair shirts a few weeks back…"

"And boy, were those things itchy!" returned Chrysophylax. "By the way, when is dinner? Titanic battling is an excellent way to build an appetite!"

"As soon as I finish the obsequies for our dearly departed Ralph," replied Kuruharan. "Then it will be time for us to head back to what is laughingly referred to as civilization so that we can sell off all this snake-oil we have accumulated."

Back on the surface…

If our non-existent traveler had perchance strained his ear it would have been possible over the next few moments to discern a strange new sound emerging from the caverns below.

After a few moments of bewildered speculation, the conclusion might have been reached that the strange sounds were actually the mournful strains of Taps being slowly played in what was surely the most dreary and heart-rending dirge ever performed on a kazoo.

[ July 12, 2003: Message edited by: Kuruharan ]

Last edited by Kuruharan; 05-12-2005 at 08:39 PM.
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