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Findegil, you seem rather set on line 6. Can you identify other problems with using line 5 that I'm missing?
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I am not really set on line 6. But I think it gives the better opportunity than does line 5, since we have to change line 6 anyway. The only additional problem I see is that in the original the first stanza as, we may call it, dealed with Nan-tathren. And only in line 6 it switched ofer to Ulmo. That's what I try to hold.
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But I am still hesitant to go with line 6. The transition still seems abrupt. Also, it makes the preceding lines completely irrelevant to the substance of the poem. One advantage of using line 5 is that we can make the transition through a comparison by Tuor of the "voices of the reeds" and the sea musics.
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That is really a big adventage for your line 5. The best way would in may view be to accomplish some similar thing in the second half of line 6.
Let's have nother try:
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Inland musics subtly magic that those reeds alone could weave -
[Magic]{It was} in the Land of Willows that[ reminds me] how once {Ylmir}[Ulmo] came at eve.
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I'm not sure if I get it better or worth with each try, so i'm happy that you will check them.
Respectfully
Findegil