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Old 12-29-2005, 12:00 PM   #293
Bęthberry
Cryptic Aura
 
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Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 6,039
Bęthberry is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Bęthberry is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.Bęthberry is a guest of Elrond in Rivendell.
Pipe Where the Bilbo roams

Bilbo S. Thompson, gonzo translator of no small conceit, was coming out of a lembas daze. He realized he hadn’t contributed anything to the latest round of entish irreverence and he was appalled by his lack of bad taste. “I’m a whole different person when I’ve been upstaged,” he mused to himself as he wired some Longbottom Leaf to one of his outrageously oversized cigarette holders.

He began: How many more of these lame delays are we going to have to write off as 'regrettably necessary' holding actions? And how many more of these double-downer sideshows will we have to go through before we can get ourselves straight enough to put together an actual real climax to this action that will give at least the fellow contributors who tend to agree with each other a chance to consummate that old familiar choice between the lesser of two evils?

The gonzo translator put down his crayon. It wasn’t working. He couldn’t be irreverent enough, couldn’t be unpredictable enough, couldn’t be gonzo enough to out-hyperbole the other contributors. He would have to beat them, have to go from bad to worse to rotten, on other terms. So be it.

Bilbo S. Thompson picked up his glitter marker. He would shine. He would do what none of them had done yet. He would be … predictable. And so he produced entirely a history greater than The Great Sharkey Hunt on someone else’s terms. The guy was dead now anyway, he wouldn’t care, that Jöhn Lęndďn.

The Ballad of Yawanna and Mogűl

Standing in the stock of south Mirthdom
Covered in the vines of life’s dance
The man with the hack said, “You’ve got me back”
And you thought you didn’t have a chance.”

Tolkien, you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
The way things are going
They’re gonna parody thee.

Finally made the post of conclusion
Thinking nothing would be the same
Vogonwe called to say
You can make it okay
You can get resolved in a trilogy plain.

Tolkien you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be,
The way things are going
They’re gonna parody thee.

Roved from Vallyum to the Barrow Downs quilt-in,
Talking to the wood for a week,
The orcs said, “Say what you’re doing with trees?”
MeriSue said, “We’re only trying to get us some piece.”

Tolkien you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be,
The way things are going
They’re gonna parody thee.

Saving up your battles for the big play
Giving all your time to war mongery
Last night the Troll-Chief said
“Oh boy when you’re done,
You won’t know what to do not being dead.
Made a lightning trip to Minus Teeth
Eating lembas in a coney stew
The Deadbook said, “She’s a terrible thread,
She’ll drag your legend into dispute.”

Tolkien you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be,
The way things are going,
They’re gonna parody thee.

Caught the final thrill back up to the Hill,
All the ents together in a choir,
The men from Tan-Quick said we hope you’re now slick
It’s good to have all of it for hire.

Tolkien you know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They’re gonna parody thee.

The way things are going
They’re gonna parody thee.
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