[Elvellon]

Apologies if I'm being a bit difficult about some of these lines, but I really do feel that we should be very careful about messing with Tolkien's verse, and I would generally rather omit some lines than have our amateurish poesy stick out line a sore thumb.

No apologies necessary. Since I’m new here, I just want to make sure to say, I’m not wedded to any of my suggestions, nor am I offended by their rejection. I realize I’m very late to the party, and suggesting changes to things that were decided years ago, so I’m just offering up ideas. And though I might disagree, it’s never with hard feelings.

BL-RG-00.7: I agree, which is why I think "by magic fast for ever bound" is really best here.

BL-RG-08.5: Omitting is best, since a solution hasn't been found that everyone is happy with.

BL-EX-10:

First of all, I’m not sure what you mean, Elvellon, by “putting ‘Celegorm the fell’ and ‘sight that is given’ back in Finrod’s mouth. In the version previously adopted, both of these phrases are direct quotes from Finrod.

In the latest working draft Findegil sent me, these lines are outside the quotes. Here is the clean text of that section taking from the Word doc:

But Finrod, ere he bade farewell,
spoke thus to Celegorm the fell,
by sight allowed him in that hour:
‘By neither thine nor any power
shall thy kin their Jewels regain
before the End; yea, all in vain
you swore. And this that we now seek
shall come from ‘neath the triple peak,
but never to your hands shall fall.
Nay, your oath shall devour you all,
Fëanor’s sons, and to other care
shall Lúthien’s great bride-price bear.’

Maybe the working draft was not updated?

For comparison, in §194 of the Grey Annals, Finrod says:

[…] ‘But this I will say to you, [son of Fëanor >] Celegorn the fell, by the sight that is given me in this hour, that neither thou nor any son of Fëanor shall regain the Silmarils ever unto world’s end. And this that we now seek shall come indeed, but never to your hands. Nay, your oath shall devour you, and deliver to other keeping the bride-price of Lúthien.’

My goal was to find a way to more closely follow this speech.

I’m not sure about the “But lastly”, though. I think a slight improvement over your lines would be:

That’s a fine improvement.

“By thou” is wrong; it should be “by thee”.

You're right, but that's what Tolkien used, so I left it.

I’m not sure about “from the reek”. I mean, yes, maybe it’s true that Angband is filled with noxious fumes, but since this hasn’t been brought up, it seems an odd way to refer to it. I recognize that “’neath the triple peak” is also clunky, but at least “triple peak” is a clear reference to Thangorodrim. Findegil’s version tries to avoid this, but “seek” and “indeed” fail to rhyme.

It's a poetic allusion to the reek of Thangorodrim and the Iron Mountains, and it’s a noun Tolkien used several other places in the text, although not for Thangorodrim, but it still seemed a rather safe option for a rhyme, in order to more closely follow the Grey Annals.

“Shall”, with its implication of necessity, seems more appropriate for a foretelling of the future, a “doom” as it were.

You’re right, it should be “shall be delivered from the reek,” but “but never to your hands will fall” seems fine to me, and keeps the number of “shalls” the same as in the original quote.

Finally, I think the last line, “to another the bride-price of Luthien” is also too long.

It’s 11 syllables, true. But it still works as 4 feet:

to an-oth-er the bride-price of Lu-thi-en

which doesn't sound so out of place, and has the benefit of being Tolkien's own words.