[Elvellon]

Originally Posted by Aiwendil

You're quite right about line 1241, and I'm not sure how I missed that before. However, I don't think your proposal works grammatically. "In magic fast forever bound" is an adjective phrase modifying "towers of an enchanted wood"; inserting a verb into it doesn't make sense.

I was thinking of it modifying "trunks of carven stone," but looking at it closer, I see what you mean, and why "were" doesn't work in that case. I think I'm in agreement with you that every use of magic does not need to be removed. I'm also of the opinion that every use of "gods" doesn't need to go either, especially here, where it may involve changing too much. Which brings me to another suggestion to preserve some currently omitted lines:

BL-SL-03:

So would they not that angry day
King Felagund their lord obey,
but sullen murmured that Finrod
nor yet his{ son}[ sire] were as a god.

Since the equivalent line in QS I is "And now they murmured that Finarfin’s son was not as a Vala to command them," it seems to me the easiest fix (short of excision) is to change the mention in the Lay from Finrod nor his son, to Finrod nor his father ("sire" being a word that Tolkien uses more than once in place of "father").

BL-RG-08.5: I don't know. These lines could work, but they feel a little off to me. I guess we have to weigh re-writing Tolkien's rhymes against cutting out of a few lines of the poem.

I share your concern for re-writing, and you're right, it's a little off. But I also worry about cutting out too many groups of lines, which risks messing with the pace of how quickly or slowly Tolkien moves the reader from one moment to the next. So, it seems worth attempting to keep lines if possible.

Here's another possibility, making use of a rhyme that Tolkien is quite fond of:

There countless torches fitfully
did start and twinkle{, as the Gnomes}[ in the gloom]
{were}[as Noldor] gathered to their {fading homes}[doom],
and thronged the long and winding stair
that led to the wide echoing square.

Here's a clean version:

There countless torches fitfully
did start and twinkle in the gloom
as Noldor gathered to their doom,
and thronged the long and winding stair
that led to the wide echoing square.

This image is supported by §129 of Aam, where Tolkien uses "gloom" to describe the atmosphere at this very moment: "The lamp of the Mindon burned pale in the gloom."

One might be able to write a couplet that rhymes "in hand they bore" (meaning the torches) with "Noldor," but at the moment I'm not seeing it.