BL-SL-03: While I don't necessarily think that every instance of "god" used of the Valar must be excised, I think its use here from the mouth of an Elf is sufficient reason to delete this couplet.
BL-RG-08.5: I've been racking my brain trying to work out a rhyme for either "... did start and twinkle, as that folk" or "... did start and twinkle, as that kin". If we were OK with an archaic placement of "in" following its noun, we could do:
Quote:
There countless torches fitfully
did start and twinkle, as {the Gnomes}[that kin]
were gathered {to their fading homes}[their white city in],
and thronged the long and winding stair
that led to the wide echoing square.
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But that may be too archaic; I can't think of anywhere Tolkien uses that construction.
With "folk", we could try:
Quote:
There countless torches fitfully
did start and twinkle, as {the Gnomes}[that folk]
were gathered {to their fading homes}[under twilight's cloak],
and thronged the long and winding stair
that led to the wide echoing square.
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I kind of like this one, except that I'm hesitant to add in a metaphor like that that's not in the original.