Are you sure, Maédhros, that what you have writen was what you had in mind?
The text as it stands in your post makes the transition unbearable. That is at least how I feel about it.
In that sens I found Aiwendils emendation much better. If you want to hold the last two lines together and let them both rever to the scene in Nevrast, you have to make a transtion earlier (in line 4). I would rather try to transit as late as possible, which means in line 6 since there a change of the scene is unavoidable.
What is about this one:
Quote:
Inland musics subtly magic that those reeds alone could weave −
{It was in}[In] the Land of Willows {that}[I recall] how once {Ylmir} [Ulmo] came at eve.
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This does not specify were Ulmo came to Tour, but our readers would know that.
Respectfully
Findegil