Findegil wrote:
Quote:
|
But I think it gives the better opportunity than does line 5, since we have to change line 6 anyway. The only additional problem I see is that in the original the first stanza as, we may call it, dealed with Nan-tathren. And only in line 6 it switched ofer to Ulmo. That's what I try to hold.
|
Those are some good points that I had not thought of before.
You propose:
Quote:
Inland musics subtly magic that those reeds alone could weave -
[Magic]{It was} in the Land of Willows that [reminds me how]once {Ylmir}[Ulmo] came at eve.
|
To be honest, I think that this is not as good rhythmically as your previous suggestion:
Quote:
Inland musics subtly magic that those reeds alone could weave −
{It was in}[In] the Land of Willows {that}[I recall how] once {Ylmir} [Ulmo] came at eve.
|
In the latter, the total number of syllables is already on the high side for this form, but they manage to group fairly well into the seven requisite feet. In the new suggestion, however, there are nineteen syllables, which is more than the meter can handle.
Also, I'm wary about the use of "how" here. I'm not sure that the construction "reminds me how" or "I recall how" is suitable for this style; I think it would properly be "I recall
that . . ." Perhaps I'm over-analyzing, though.
In principle, I think your idea of retaining the comparison by Tuor but placing it in the second half of line 6 is a sound one. But I honestly cannot see any way of improving the line. Perhaps I just haven't looked hard enough.
We should also consider the possibility of dropping the poem. Certainly, we ought to do so if none of the proposed revisions is satisfactory to everyone. But also, there is the question of whether we are justified by our principles in making the kinds of revisions needed.