[Kransha]

I'm assuming Lurtz is the orc in the movie, yes? Well, nevermind. Time for the special Kranshanian Brand of Sil[maril]ly stuff, strait from the pages. Feel the stingy wroth of the Pre-Third Age Defective Weapons, twice as defective as before!

Of Epic Battles and Equally Epic Pitfalls

*Morgoth battles Fingolfin outside Angband*
Morgoth: Die, pitiful elf!
*bashes with Grond, Hammer of the Underworld, nothing happens*
Morgoth: Bloody orc manufacturing!
Fingolfin: Eh, my grandma made better maces!
Morgoth: Did even have a grandmother?
Fingolfin: Ummm...I'm not...sure...actually...

Of Elven Craftmanship and Gundabad

Great Goblin: I know that blade! It is Glamdring, the foe-hammer!
Gandalf: Indeed, foul Goblin! Now, feel the hammering!
*nothing happens*
Great Goblin: I've said it before, I'll say it again. Elves can't make swords.
Thorin: Here, Gandy, lemme try! *stabs Great Goblin; nothing*
Great Goblin: Go back to Lindon, ya sissy!

Of Watts and Checkout Counters

*the Valar are lighting the great lamps*
Manwe: LET THERE BE LIGHT!
*the Lamps of the Valar flicker, then go out*
Manwe: Aule! Why have the lamps gone out
Aule: Sale on used lightbulbs at Mandos-mart.
*in the distance, jingle can be heard*
Mandos: Shop smart! Shop at Mandos-mart!

Of Problematic Blades and a Dark Maiar

Beren: Meet thy doom, Morgoth the Dark!
*swipes Angrist at Morgoth's crown to no avail*
Morgoth: This is becoming very boring.
Beren: Shut up, I'm doing the best I can! *slashes continually*
Morgoth: Sure, sure, whatever *yawns*
Beren: Okay, I've almost got it! And...and...and...*still nothing*
Morgoth: Oh, give it up, already. *steps on Beren*

Of Wolves' Teeth and Handy-dandy Elven Stuffp

Carcharoth: *battling Beren* Aha! This might come in 'hand'y!
*stunned by the horrible pun, Beren can only stand and watch as Carcharoth leaps up and attempts to bite off his hand, but the wolf's teeth break*
Carcharoth: NOOO! Blast Melkorian primeval dentistry!
Beren: *stifling laughter* can I give you...a 'hand'?