[Folwren]

This has been very humorous to glance through, and, alas, that's all I've had time to do - glance. I have read only one or two in full. (I like the Alexandre Dumas one, by the way.)

I did, however, decide to try my own hand at it and after looking at what authors have been used I didn't find anything written by him. So, off we go.

The Steep Stairway
By Lemony Snicket (author of A Series of Unfortunate Events)

When you think of a stair way you probably have a picture in your mind of a stair way at your home, or perhaps at school, or maybe even at church, and possibly a hotel. The stairway at home leads to a pleasant place if you're going to the kitchen to get a snack or to your room to get some sleep. The stairway at school can take you pleasant places if you like your art teacher, or liturature class, and the stairs at church often lead you to no worse place than a little bathtub that the pastor dunks you in and you get a little wet. Or the stairs at a hotel are handy if the elevator is broken, or you can't use them because your enemy is using them you have to leave by the back door. Of course, no harm can come of these stairs and no one is afraid of them. The stairway that this book is about is nothing like the stairs in your house, school, church, or hotel. They don't lead to a pleasant place, and they're not pleasant in themselves at all. They climb up and up the virtical cliff face as though they meant to go right up into the clouds and continue on, and they did, as far as Frodo and Sam could see from the bottom.

It was quite a gloomy outlook for the hobbits and they could not help but feel discouraged, a word which here means "feeling too tired to climb all those stairs to do something as nasty as throw a ring into a blazing hot fire that might kill them anyway."

"I feel quite discouraged," Frodo said. "Almost too tired to climb all those stairs and all we get to do when we get to the top is throw this ring into a blazing hot fire that might kill us anyway."

Sam looked at his master sadly and took his hand.

"It's alright, Mr. Frodo," he said quietly. He often wanted to bear the burden his master had to take, but sometimes you can't take other people's things from them and this was one of the times. "We won't think about the fire just now. Let's concentrate on going up. Look, Gollum's waiting for us up and he seems in an awful hurry. Come on."

They started the climb up and Gollum went on before them. But I don't think you want to read about their horrible climb up the slippery, slimy stairs. It was such an uncomfortable journey that you would probably throw the book down in digust if I even mentioned the mud that came off on their hands and knees and feet as they climbed, and how tired their knees became as they continued to bend and straighten, and how hungry and thirsty they became as they went. Not that it would be bad if you threw down the book, but you have chosen to read it. But you don't have to finish the account of their horribly long journey upwards into darkness, but it would leave you in such complete misery and a state of weeping that you would never want to read about Frodo and Sam again. But because I have sworn to research and write everything I learn of Frodo and Sam's journey up these stairs and into Mordor, I must faithfully pen all that I know. You, however, have not sworn to read it and so may put down the book at once before I begin.

It is not enough merely to write that "Frodo and Sam climbed up and up so long that it is not enough merely to write that 'Frodo and Sam climbed up and up so long that it is not enough merely to write that "Frodo and Sam climbed up and up so long that it is not enough merely to write that...

Dear Elrond,

I take the liberty to write you while I have a chance. My reader has hopefully taken my advise and abandoned this book and put it somewhre else, in which case it will be safe to write you without much worry of being discovered. If the reader did not stop then we are safe because he is brave enough to read whatever I have to say to you.

I would like to accept your invitation to tea, it sounded quite wonderful. But what we have to do and what we would like to do are often quite two different things, so I am afraid that I have to say that I can not make it.

With all due respect,

Lemony Snicket