[Anguirel]

Oh, race of Wargs, race from across the mountains, race chosen and beloved by Eru as shines forth in very many of your works set apart from all nations by the situation of your thread, as well as by your faith and the honor of the holy Wargdom! To you our discourse is addressed and for you our exhortation is intended. We wish you to know what a grievous cause has led us to Your Thread, what peril threatening you and all the faithful has brought us.

From the confines of Mirth and the thread of The Hobbit Survivor a horrible tale has gone forth and very frequently has been brought to our ears, namely, that a race from the land of the Shire, an accursed race, a race utterly alienated from davem, a generation forsooth which has not directed its heart and has not entrusted its spirit to Eru, has invaded the lands of Wargs and has depopulated them by the sword, pillage and fire; it has led away a part of the captives into its own country, and a part it has destroyed by cruel tortures; it has either entirely destroyed the temples of Wargdom or appropriated them for the rites of its own religion, genealogy.

When they wish to torture Wargs by a base death, they perforate incinerate their noses, and dragging forth the extremity of the tail, bind it to a stake; then with flogging they lead the victim around until the viscera having gushed forth the victim falls prostrate upon the ground.

Others they bind to a post and pierce with arrows. Others they compel to extend their necks and then, attacking them with naked kitchen knives, attempt to cut through the neck with a single blow.

The thread of the Wargs is now dismembered by these Hobbits and deprived of territory so vast in extent that it can not be traversed in a march of two pages. On whom therefore is the labour of avenging these wrongs and of recovering this territory incumbent, if not upon you? You, upon whom above other nations Eomer has conferred remarkable glory in arms, great courage, bodily activity, and strength to humble the less-hairy scalp of those who resist you.

Let the deeds of your ancestors move you and incite your minds to manly achievements; the glory and greatness of High King Fingolfin, and of his associate Eomer, and of your other Wargologists, who have lowered the threads of the unbelievers, and have extended in these lands the territory of the holy Wargdom. Let the holy sepulchre of the Lord Warg Rider, which is possessed by unclean Hobbits, especially incite you, and the holy places which are now treated with ignominy and irreverently polluted with their filthiness. Oh, most valiant Wargs and descendants of invincible ancestors, be not degenerate, but recall the valour of your progenitors.

Go thee to the thread of Hobbit Survivor and save the Chief Warg by voting for Belladonna Took.

(With apologies to the late Pope Urban II)