[Morthoron]

With all the controversy swirling about the underappreciated wargish population, I thought this would be appropriate to repost here. It is an interview I did with a warg soon after the debut of The Two Towers:

The Dark Elf discusses the finer points of cinema with a warg

The Dark Elf: Mr. Warg, it has come to our attention that the wolfish population of Middle-earth has been set on its collective furry ear by the dramatization of wargs in the film The Two Towers; which is to say, you feel Peter Jackson characterized you rather badly. That is, not 'badly' in an evil sense, which you certainly are, *The Warg nods approvingly* but rather ineptly.

Warg: Yes, my dear chap. Having reviewed the suspect footage, I must say I found it to be wanting in every respect. I mean really, the only time I have seen such a sunken gut on one of my kin was when poor Uncle Lupine contracted worms. Nasty parasites, those.

TDE: Yes, I suppose so. Then you feel misrepresented?

W: Certainly! As if to be continually associated with those foul Orcs wasn't bad enough, we are now portrayed as if we've been cross-bred with snub-nosed, gangrel hyenas! It's all too much, really.

TDE: How so?

W: Hmmm...aside from the horridly distorted image of wargs presented by Peter Jackson in his flawed film, another mischaracterization from a plot standpoint deals with warg-kind used as saddled were-ponies, which of course is patently ludicrous! This is primarily due to Mr. Jackson’s incessant pillaging of a non-canonical source: The Hobbit.

TDE: Then your characterization in The Hobbit was incorrect as well?

W: Good Lord, Man…I mean Elf -- pardon the slip -- The Hobbit was originally published as a children’s story; whatever resemblance it had with the Middle-earth cosmology as a whole was at first merely coincidental. This sordid juxtaposition was accomplished later via manic editing by the author in order to marry the plot of The Hobbit – however awkwardly -- with the far more serious storyline of Lord of the Rings. Nevertheless, the plot is rife with fairy tale elements. It’s Brothers Grimm meets the Völuspá! Talking trolls with Cockney accents? It’s absurd! Have you ever spoken to a troll? They are as dumb as doorknobs! One can’t expect more than a few grunts and a good deal of flatulence from the lumbering oafs.

TDE: And this rewrite of The Hobbit concerns your species in what manner?

W: Let's look at this logically, shall we? No self-respecting warg of some 500 pounds has the ability or inclination to carry about some pusillanimous Orc enmeshed in 50 or so pounds of chain mail. Their scent alone is enough to make one gag! We are not pack animals like those pompous Mearas (although I must say they are quite delicious in a bordelaise sauce with a nice glass of port to wash them down). I think it is a bit much to expect one of the proud lineage of canis lupus megaterribilis to accept the stirrup and bridle. It is far too over the top, even for a ham-handed director of Jackson’s ilk, don't you think?

TDE: Most definitely. Are there any formal protests planned?

W: No. The pack felt that picketing would be, if you will excuse the pun, merely 'crying wolf'. As nocturnal predators, we feel more direct action is called for. We shall be stalking Peter Jackson’s home in Wellington, New Zealand. If the bloated blighter should even pop his head out the front door, he shall make a tasty treat. After all, there is enough of him to feed the whole pack!

TDE: Hmmm...but don't you think large wolfish creatures slinking about in a modern city, even at night, would be cause for alarm?

*The Warg rolls his eyes*

W: Silly, we shall be in disguise, of course.

TDE: Ah, sort of ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing', as it were?

W: Quite.