[Morthoron]

CHAPTER III, A SHORT REST, Part III

Narrator: Having reached the Last Homely House, the road-weary company of travelers finally found rest and relaxation, but not along the lines of Madame Harbottle's House of Red Light -- if you get my meaning (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). The Last Homely House, as Bilbo would later recall, was not homely at all (like his acne-plagued cousin Primula); rather it was perfect for just about anything: reading, writing, thinking, croquette with pink flamingos, painting the roses red, talking with chess pieces...
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall,
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
Call Alice
When she was just small...

Narrator #2: We regret the intrusion, but Narrator #1 has been caught in a bit of a flashback...

Narrator #1: When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead,
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said...

*Sounds of a struggle*

Narrator #2: And I am afraid he will have to go on short-term disabiility...

Narrator #1: "Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head"...

*The sounds of shouting and scuffling fade and a door slams off-stage*

Narrator #2: Ahem...now, where were we? Ah yes, after a bit of a rest, the company of travelers were sent for to meet with Master Elrond.

Bilbo: Now Gandalf, just who is this Master Elrond again?

Gandalf: He is a descendant of a great old family. Quite famous, really. His great-grandfather was the mortal Beren and he was wed to Luthien, daughter of an Elf and a Maia.

Bilbo: What, like an Aztec?

Gandalf: No, Maia as in 'of the Maiar'. I am one myself.

Bilbo: I didn't know you came from Peru!

Gandalf: Oh, skip it! Just know that Elrond is a half-elf.

Bilbo: He's short then?

Gandalf: No, no, no! His father was mortal and his mother was an elf. No, wait...actually they both were elves, but his grandfather was mortal. Bah! Needless to say Elrond is still considered an elf, while his brother was mortal.

Bilbo: That makes no sense genetically.

Dumplin: Can dwarves wed elves?

Gandalf: I'm not sure. I don't see why not. Why do you ask?

Dumplin: Well there's this elf in Mirkwood named Legolas, and he's just GORGEOUS!

Bilbo: [Turning and whispering to Balin and Dwalin] What is the story with Dumplin? He certainly acts odd.

Balin: [whispering back] Well, first of all, Dumplin is not a he, but a she-dwarf.

Dwalin: [whispering also]: Are you sure?

Balin: [still whispering] Well of course I'm sure. Look at her beard!

Bilbo: Dumplin is a she?

Balin: Well, close enough for a lonely night on the road.

Dwalin: You see, Bilbo, we dwarves have very few females...

Biblo: What with half-elves from Peru and he-she dwarves, thank the Lord I'm a hobbit!

Gandalf: Quit your gossiping, you three, there is Master Elrond.

*Elrond is sitting regally upon a carved, oaken throne, reading manuscripts and drinking a glass of sherry*

Elrond: Welcome, welcome!! Do come in, please do. So nice to have dwarves about the Last Homely House. Here for a short visit are we? Ha-ha, lovely, lovely. And what's this? A hobbit? My, I haven't seen one of your race for a thousand years. But then there could be a few hiding 'neath the table and you couldn't see 'em, eh? Ha-ha-ha, lovely, just lovely!

Gandalf: [bowing] We thank you for your hospitality, Master Elrond.

Elrond: Oh, no formalities, old friend, no formalities! You weren't so damn genteel in the hot tub the other night!

*The dwarves scowl at Gandalf*

Gandalf: Ummm...yes...well...Master Elrond, we seek your aid. Thorin has a dwarvish map that needs deciphering.

Elrond: Oh-ho, a dwarvish map, eh? Devilishly tough, those. Usually written in shorthand. Ha-ha, short-hand! Eh? eh? Lovely, lovely! Pray tell, Master Thorin, where did you come upon this map?

Thorin: Well, it's quite a long story actually, and it had to be edited out of the theater release of the movie. But it will be told in its entirety in the Blue-ray Disc Extended Version available in stores this coming Christmas.

Elrond: Will it indeed? Lovely, just lovely. No short subject documentaries for the dwarves, eh? eh? Ha-ha, lovely.

Narrator #2: Please stay tuned for the next installment of Chapter III and find out what Master Elrond can discern from the dwarves' map.

Director: Cut! Cut! Narrator #2, that was the most bleeding boring segue I've ever heard!

Narrator #2: Well, it's not my fault, you know... [sobs a bit] I'm not a method narrator. I need my lines, and Narrator #1 was still holding the script when he was taken out.

Director: That's it! Randall, it's time for lunch.

Randall: Lunch everyone! Be back in an hour!

TO BE CONTINUED