The Hills of Evendim Planning/Discussion Thread

[Esgallhugwen]

Ok, I have two versions, I've been trying to think really hard on this but lots of other stuff is going on. Like my grad this saturday for instance, but thats besides the point.

Hope you think there fairly reasonable, please feel free to make suggestions to me, this is the first time I've written a lament and I have no idea what I'm doing

First one:

Lira Nen where now does she dwell?
No longer in Eryn Lasgalen or Fair Ithilien
Her sweet voice will not be heard in these lands again

In the raging storm doom called her
Alas! That her body was broken in that evil place,
That her soul was imprisoned in the shadows.
In the darkness the red demon came but she defied him.

A! Elbereth Gilthoniel!
silvren penna míriel
o menel aglar elenath,
Gilthoniel, A! Elbereth!

Her very essence was star and moonlight
And so she quited the earth when dawn rose.

The sea calls, white shores and emerald fields
Silver and gold flowers sway in the ocean breeze
Birds sing enchanting melodies.

No more tears shall be shed from her crystal blue eyes
No longer will she weep from despair in these mortal lands,
No longer will she feel the pain of death around her

Rest now in sacred Valinor, beloved Lira
Rest now away from the toils of Middle- Earth
In the land of eternal twilight.

Second one:

Light fades, sun sets, twilight breaks, night rests as the shadows come.
To the dark gate the company marched
A storm roared in hunger, doom called Lira Nen
Alas! That her body was broken in that cursed place

The blood of others was the evil ones undoing,
Now the enslaved are set free.
Behold the light of Valinor, dearest Lira
Go now and dream in harmony
No more troubled by the perils of mortal lands.



**Well there they are I'm not sure about some of the lines, but tell me what you think and what I should change (if anything, though I'm sure there are a few things that could be improved) Then I'll translate it into Quenya

Oh and by the way, I would never want to throw tomatoes at you Elora, I can understand how busy things can get sometimes. And I think even though you havn't been here alot you've still contributed nicely to the story!