New Movie Script

[Meneltarmacil]

SAM: We have to get out of here. You go. Go, now! You can do it. Use the Ring, Mr. Frodo. Just this once. Put it on. Disappear.

FRODO: I can’t. You were right, Sam. You tried to tell me, but… I’m sorry. The Ring’s taking me Sam. If I put it on, he’ll find me. He’ll see. I'll become a Politician again.

SAM: Mr. Frodo...

FARAMIR: So this is the answer to all the riddles. Here in the wild I have you. Two halflings and a host of men at my call. The Ring of power within my grasp. In place of a dark lord, you will have a QUEEN! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the...

PJ: Whoa, whoa, you've got the wrong script!

FARAMIR: Thanks, I was beginning to wonder...

PJ: Now, let's get on with it.

FRODO: No!!

SAM: Stop it! Leave him alone! Don’t you understand? He’s got to destroy it. That’s where we’re going. Into Mordor. To the mountain of fire.

RANDOM GUY: Osgiliath is under attack. They call for reinforcements. And we're out of coffee, by the way.

FARAMIR: Out of coffee?

SAM: Please. It’s such a burden. Will you not help him?

FARAMIR: Out of COFFEE?!

RANDOM GUY: Captain?

FARAMIR: OUT...OF...COFFEE?!

(Behind the scenes...)

PJ: Ahhh, excellent. Now let's capture that murderous look on his face...

JRR TOLKIEN: *bursts into the production room, armed with an AK-47* Hold it! Get back! Nobody's taking the Ring to Gondor if I can help it!

RANDOM GUY: Um, excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be dead?

*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*

RANDOM GUY: Erk! *dies*

PJ: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

ENYA: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

HOWARD SHORE: EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

JRRT: Now I'm going to end this nonsense NOW! *takes camera, still holding production crew at gunpoint*

(return to movie)

FARAMIR: Alas for Boromir! It was too sore a trial! How you have increased my sorrow, you two strange wanderers from a far country, bearing the peril of Men! But you are less judges of Men than I of Halflings. We are truth-speakers, we men of Gondor. We boast seldom, and then perform, or die in the attempt. Not if I found it on the highway would I take it I said. Even if I were such a man as to desire this thing, and even though I knew not clearly what this thing was when I spoke, still I should take those words upon me as a vow, and be held by them.

(behind the scenes again)

JRRT: Ahhh, that's much better. Now, if I can *suddenly feels himself get hit in the head with something hard* Agh!!

AGENT SMITH: I believe you've caused this production enough harm already, Missstur Tolkien.

*everybody locks JRRT in the closet*

PJ: OK, let's delete that last scene.

*rewind*

(back to the movie)

FARAMIR: Out of COFFEE?!?!?! That's it. The Ring will go to Gondor. There it will bring me all the coffee I could ever want! MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(behind scenes again)

JRRT(from inside the closet): NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
*fades out*

Next scene: Theoden getting ready for battle, then skip to the battle sequence.