Everything I need to know I learned from LOTR

[Beruthiel]

1) Elves like to feel included in important decisions, even if they are only repeating things ("a diversion"...This a cry for attention me thinks)

2) Next time your in a desolate, barren landscape with flying lumps of lava dropping out of the sky, think of a pretty place; your strength will be tripled instantly

3) Rings are officially out of fashion

4) As long as you have pointy ears, you are capable of anything

[Maeggaladiel]

The best way to kill any dark, sinister, evil person as well as maim the hero is to chop of a hand. Or at least a finger. (Hey, it worked in Star Wars, too!)

Pale people are always evil.

If one door magically closes in your face, try another one. If this one closes in your face and your boss grins wickedly at you, pretend not to notice and try another one. Don't catch on until you're completely boxed in.

Never say "Come and claim him" to a Nasgul.

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

Hugging trees IS good for you.

If you're ever in a fight with nine nazgul, don't worry. They will attack you one by one and the others will wander around looking threatening until it is their turn.

Always word phrases about how you can be killed VERY carefully.

If anyone swings a large mace at you, just duck until they get frustrated.

NEVER say "So it begins".

If you're outnumbered a thousand to one, just get a poncy man in white to kill your leader.

Never scream as you charge in slow motion.

If there's a vast hunk of rubble heading for you, just stand there... it'll land right in front of you and stop.

If you're ever just about to be killed, talk to your best friend about your girl back home and you'll pull through.

NEVER EVER EVER say "There'll be enough for the journey back".

If a huge firework explodes in your tent, you'll just get your eyebrows singed off.

Rings send you mad...

Never accept suspicious jewelry through the mail.

If a large man in a black cape asks you the way to the pub, just tell him...

When in doubt, hit it with a stick...

[Gilwen]

Pale people are always evil.

Hmmmnn. I was thinking the opposite.

~Tan is not always good.(think Luthien)
*random thought* "My, that does look strange without the little accent-thingy."

~Hairy feet and large ears are something to be proud of.

~It's not an elephant. It's an Oliphaunt.

[Miriel Undomiel]

If you're ever just about to be killed, talk to your best friend about your girl back home and you'll pull through.

Hmm... I always thought it was the other way around... In every war-movie ever made, at some point in the movie before the big battle and all the killing, some unimportant guy will show the important guy a picture of his wife/girlfriend (maybe even a kid) and tell him that he is getting retired after the battle *looong sentence*. Then the unimportant guy dies...

Get the point?

my version:

* If you're just about to be killed in a battle, don't talk to anyone about your girlfriend!

[Feanor of the Peredhil]

Mwhahahahaha. Excellent. To add more...

If you look sufficiently miserable, you can scare anyone. (think Lobelia)

It's *never* a good idea to sing about ending and failing in evil forests.

If you need a horse, just borrow an Elf's. Nobody will care.

Passwords are always painfully obvious.

In a country full of blondes, if you have pasty skin and dark hair, you are *guaranteed* to be the bad guy.

When retreating in battle, it's not a smart idea to run into a forest that wasn't there but hours before.

If you lie about your identity, you won't end up with the man of your dreams, but you WILL meet someone even better.

That's all for now... gotta go learn a little Greek.

Fea

[Morai]

Here's some more important lessons:

1) Never harass the King's neice until you have him under a spell and exiled her brother.

2) Never pick a fight with an extremely old and tall man with a "walking stick"