Everything I need to know I learned from LOTR

[Kransha]

I assume this is both movies and books, yes? I see more movie-induced productions, so I'll temper it all with a fair amount of lit. and Sil[marillion]ly stuff, as follows:

1. When faced with a balrog, use your head.
2. When killing dragons, make sure he's hovering over an evil citadel.
3. Dancing on tables is a recipe for disaster.
4. When in doubt, call your foe a 'dwimmerlaik' and nothing can go wrong.
5. Spiders are traitorous, eat or be eaten
6. Whatever you're the master of, it'll master you eventually.
5. Mariners are underrated.
7. Bridges will never be made of wood, and will often be dangerous and crumbly.
8. Never stand under a big ol' evil thing. Something will squash you.
9. People alive 10,000 years after you will invariably steel your name.
10. Hidden kingdoms don't stay hidden forever, so keep your swords handy.
11. Singing is helpful, but you have to be female, and VERY beautiful.
12. Petty-dwarves are petty dwarves.
13. Numenoreans are like Golphers. They sink into the earth, but pop up occasionally, when needed.
14. If at first you don't succeed, go east and be completely forgotten.
15. Worms come in three servings, fiery, cold, and without wings on the side.
16. Swords might speak sometimes, but only when most innappropriate to do so.
17. Who cares if Balrogs can fly or not, they're dang fast!
18. Trees, stars, and silmarils will get you nowhere. Go for jewelery.
19. Sauron likes wrestling, watch out for the immolation, though.
20. Having a noticeable family resemblance would've helped Turin a lot.
21. Hurin slew a slew of trolls, but the slewed slew slew him too.
22. Columbus was wrong, for a fixed amount of time.
23. Trickssy, nassty dragonses! It's all in the eyes, dontcha know.
24. Vampires are a good for UPS service, but don't underestimate their fashions.
25. Wolfhounds are a man's best friend, and Melkor's worst nightmare.

[Sirithheruwen]

21. Hurin slew a slew of trolls, but the slewed slew slew him too.

The scary thing is, I actually understood that.

[Maeggaladiel]

Always make sure to look where a river runs before you dump a body into it. The last thing you need is for the corpse to end up on his father's doorstep before you get there. There'll be questions. None of which you'd care to answer.

Napkins are outlawed in Gondor.

Who knew an old man's walking stick could be so dangerous? And painful?

Balrogs may be made of fire, but don't worry. You can land on its back and stab it repeatedly without being burned to a crisp.

When you don't know what to say, start singing.

Uruk-hai are members of the potato family. They grow underground and are brown and lumpy.

Denethor + cherry tomatoes= disaster. Not a good mix.

[Morai]

Uruk-hai are members of the potato family. They grow underground and are brown and lumpy.

So that's why people hate carbs so much!

When a steward has bad table manners, it may be a sign of pyromania. (Especially after he ignores the stream of tomato juice down his chin Ick.)

[Agent Evenstar]

If you are a certain elf coughlegolascough you can fight a very long and tedious battle and come out of it looking fresh as a daisy.

Also that rock throwing hobbits are especially lethal.

And don't trust Gollum, but that one is a bit of a no brainer.

And all you have to do to get an Ent to go to war is tick it off real good and hold on for the ride.

AND TO NOT LOOK IN SUSPICIOUS LOOKING BLACK SWIRLY ORBS, PIPPIN!

Not to give up your immortality until you are absolutely positive you are going to see the human you love again.

Don't eat a whole ton of lembas, as it gives you a tummy ache.

You can jump down on a group of orcs with spears pointed upwards and not impale yourself on one of the ends (Gimli in TTT being the example here).

You can slide down the trunk of an Oliphant as it is buckling beneath you and land successfully on the ground, after which you arch your eyebrow in a " Yes, I know" kind of way and continue shooting... things (coughlegolascough).

You can perform acrobats up the side of an Oliphant, using the arrows stuck in it's side as bars, without being killed.

Gandalf has some kung fu skills with that staff of his...

Men who eat in an especially disgusting manner die horrible deaths ( read into this one, boys).

Hmm, that's about it... Yup!

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

You can actually repel a Nazgul by pointing a stick at it and shouting "Expecto Patronum!"

Never give trees steroids, they might just end up destroying your fortress...

Never give dogs steroids unless you're Saruman, and you have loads of willing stupid orcs to ride them....

A pink cancerous face does not a scary orc make (Gothmog)...

A worryingly deep yet squeaky voice does not a scary orc make (Gothmog)....

When in doubt, just stab it and hope it dies...

When a wizard tells you to keep quiet, just do it...

When in doubt, get a hobbit and a girl to kill it...

Don't charge oliphaunts if you're about an eightieth of their size...

Blue contact lenses never EVER get dirty...

[Morai]

Blue contact lenses never EVER get dirty...

Speaking of contacts....
*Sauron's eye contact (yes that is singular) NEVER falls out, unless a ring falls into a volcano called Mt. Doom.

*Eyes can in fact explode, but it takes them forever to do so.