Defective Weapons Inc.

[Hama Of The Riddermark]

Frodo: Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!

*nothing*

Frodo: Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!

*nothing*

Frodo (with an air of panic in his voice): Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!

Sam (running in at the last moment): Frodo no! That's a lightbulb!

[Kransha]

I'm assuming Lurtz is the orc in the movie, yes? Well, nevermind. Time for the special Kranshanian Brand of Sil[maril]ly stuff, strait from the pages. Feel the stingy wroth of the Pre-Third Age Defective Weapons, twice as defective as before!

Of Epic Battles and Equally Epic Pitfalls

*Morgoth battles Fingolfin outside Angband*
Morgoth: Die, pitiful elf!
*bashes with Grond, Hammer of the Underworld, nothing happens*
Morgoth: Bloody orc manufacturing!
Fingolfin: Eh, my grandma made better maces!
Morgoth: Did even have a grandmother?
Fingolfin: Ummm...I'm not...sure...actually...

Of Elven Craftmanship and Gundabad

Great Goblin: I know that blade! It is Glamdring, the foe-hammer!
Gandalf: Indeed, foul Goblin! Now, feel the hammering!
*nothing happens*
Great Goblin: I've said it before, I'll say it again. Elves can't make swords.
Thorin: Here, Gandy, lemme try! *stabs Great Goblin; nothing*
Great Goblin: Go back to Lindon, ya sissy!

Of Watts and Checkout Counters

*the Valar are lighting the great lamps*
Manwe: LET THERE BE LIGHT!
*the Lamps of the Valar flicker, then go out*
Manwe: Aule! Why have the lamps gone out
Aule: Sale on used lightbulbs at Mandos-mart.
*in the distance, jingle can be heard*
Mandos: Shop smart! Shop at Mandos-mart!

Of Problematic Blades and a Dark Maiar

Beren: Meet thy doom, Morgoth the Dark!
*swipes Angrist at Morgoth's crown to no avail*
Morgoth: This is becoming very boring.
Beren: Shut up, I'm doing the best I can! *slashes continually*
Morgoth: Sure, sure, whatever *yawns*
Beren: Okay, I've almost got it! And...and...and...*still nothing*
Morgoth: Oh, give it up, already. *steps on Beren*

Of Wolves' Teeth and Handy-dandy Elven Stuffp

Carcharoth: *battling Beren* Aha! This might come in 'hand'y!
*stunned by the horrible pun, Beren can only stand and watch as Carcharoth leaps up and attempts to bite off his hand, but the wolf's teeth break*
Carcharoth: NOOO! Blast Melkorian primeval dentistry!
Beren: *stifling laughter* can I give you...a 'hand'?

[The Perky Ent]

True, but they can be the same topic if they have a different flair. The first two were exactly the same: frodo says light, no light, frodo says light, no light, shelob is happy. However, the third one goes: frodo says light, no light, frodo says light, no light, sam comes, it's a lightbulb There's a difference

[elronds_daughter]

yes, Kransha, Lurtz is the head of the Uruk-Hai. in the movies at least. so to have a legitimate reason for posting....

as saruman is calling down an avalanche...
*avalanche stops*
Saruman: huh? what happened??
*tries again*
*still nothing*
Saruman: *whimpers and jumps off orthanc because his magic won't work*

[The Perky Ent]

Actually, the pink orc (who I think you're talking about) isn't Lurtz. Lurtz is dead. I'm talking about the pink orc in RotK, who commands the orc army at Pelenor. Ring any bells? Remember the scene where the trebuchets hurl a piece of the city at him, he dodges it, then spits on it? Anyways,

Saruman: Be wise Gandalf. Give in to the ring
Gandalf: Never
Saruman: You have elected the way of pain! *tries to do some "telekenetic blast" at Gandalf* *nothing happens*
Gandalf: Now let me try! *tries a "telekenetic blast* *nothing happens*
Saruman:So...uh...
Gandalf: Yeah, I guess there's only one thing to do
Gandalf and Saruman: ROCK PAPER SCISSORS!
Gandalf: 3...
Saruman:...2...
Gandalf and Saruman: ...1!
Gandalf: Ha, my staff is made of wood, which makes paper. Your staff is all marbley, which is rock. Paper Covers Rock! I win! In your face!
Saruman: How in the world does paper beat rock? It makes no sense whatsoever!
Gandalf: True.
Saruman: Oh well
Gandalf: Yay! Mmm, what's that I smell? I think it's...pipeweed! Get me some! I have more than one use for paper! *snickers*

Morale (think I spelled it right): If in doubt, always follow your nose

[Bombadil]

Ents storm Orthanc, break dam, not strong enough to withstand water, all get washed away.

That doesn't have to do with a weapon, but a mishap nonetheless.

Grima: I hate you!
*Throws palantir, hits somehting springy and bounces back up hits him in the face*
*the present members of the fellowship point and laugh.*

Bard: My black arrow has never failed me!
*Breaks in half as he pulls it from quiver*

or

Bard: My black arrow never fails to hit a target!
*thrush whispers in ear*
*Bard shoots arrow as thrush flies away, accidentally hits thrush.*
Bard: uhhh...oops?
*Turns around and walks away whistling*

*Isildur travelling with party of men*
*Orcs ambush them, Isildur puts on ring to disappear*
*As he swims away invisible, ring slips off finger*
*Orcs see Isildur, shoot him to his death*

Oh wait...that actually did happen

[Saraphim]

Turin: I will not disgrace the waters of this river with my foul blood
*sets Gurthang in the rocks and goes to jump on it, instead lands overshoots and falls into the river*
Niniel: I will cast myself into the river! *trips and lands on Gurthang*
Gurthang: I need to get a new hobby. Ruining depressed people's lives just doesn't do it for me anymore

King of the Dead: The dead do not suffer the living to pass!
Aragorn: You will suffer me! *smacks Anduril down on the Dead King and cuts his head off* Uh...*looks around at all the other dead guys, who start closing in menacingly*

In contrast to what everyone else says, I promote copyright infringment!

*avoids random, airborne objects propelled at her*

[The Squatter of Amon Rûdh]

'You can take yourself off, you horny old varmint.' said Giles, also hoping to escape battle. 'I only want to be shot of you. Go right away from here, and get back to your own dirty den!' He stepped towards Chrysophylax, waving his arms as if he was scaring crows.
That was quite enough for Tailbiter. It circled, flashing in the air and then returned to its sheath, where it remained stuck fast. Giles gave one mighty heave and was left holding the broken hilt, while Chrysophylax eyed him balefully.

The dragon ate the horse first, because it didn't need peeling.

******

Húrin: Aurë entulúva!
The head of his axe snaps off and falls on his foot, severing some of his toes. He falls over.
Gothmog: All right, lads: you can take your tea break now.