How to Write a Best Selling Fantasy Novel

[Sirithheruwen]

Whoops! Many of these I recognized, not only in other works, but in my own! That cannot be good! For example:

Most of the people who read your book will be unconfident males. So make your main character a Loser. Aimless, shy, cowardly, guilty, ill, lazy, rural - any of these will do.

Well, he is male, but that's just because I was inspired by the "Writers/Genders" discussion thread. He can't talk. He's not a mute, he just never learned. One day, when my book is published, you'll understand, but until then you'll just have to sit tight.

The Loser/Hero must have a Motley Bunch of Companions drawn from different human species e.g. dwarf, elf, Rotarian etc. Each of these companions will have one particular skill such as sword fighting, lasso twirling etc which will come in handy at a particular part of the story.

Heh heh...oops! Actually, just today I killed off two of my "Motley Companions" because they weren't an asset to the story.

The first thing the Motley Bunch must do is travel some phenomenal distance through an assortment of vastly different terrains and climates. All Fantasy Lands have every conceivable form of climate and landform - mountains, deserts, swamps, glaciers, forests - arranged randomly across the landscape contrary to any known principles of geography or ecology.

NOt quite there yet, but was thinking about it...needless to say, not anymore.

Every Fantasy Land has a Dark Enemy, an almost omnipotent ArchVillain who is trying to utterly destroy it. It is not clear how the ArchVillain benefits from this. This Villain always has access to vast armies which require no food, payment or other provisioning and can travel thousands of mile and lay siege to cities without any need for a catering corps. For all this, the Enemy is completely dependant on some insignificant object such as a ring or a piece of rock for his power.

How *does* my villian benefit from this? So far, no one knows what it is, except that it is known only as "the Enemy." It seems I've got a bit of re-working to do!

(a) Tell the story in incredible detail. Describe every day of the journey, how far they walked, what they ate, the weather, where they slept, especially days where nothing happens.

Actually, I do do this, but for a reason. As soon as I'm finished, I cut out the unnecessary bits so that, if something comes up later, I can most likely find a loop-hole that I didn't know existed. Hey, it works for me!

To make Character Names, just run some nonsense syllables together until it looks like a foreign language. If they are unpronounceable they will be seem even more authentic. "Y"s, "H"s and apostrophes add an exotic feeling. Words like "Dn’a’brht", "ynhazzmhn", "jbreheh’m" are all acceptable.

This just made me laugh! My names usually consist of one syllable, simple names.

The Loser/Hero must eventually penetrate the Enemy's Stronghold. This is never particularly hard to do. Stronghold sentries are never alert and Loser/Heroes can always approach to within 20 feet of the most heavily guarded installation without being detected.

*sighs* I have a long way to go.

[Eomer of the Rohirrim]

Very funny Diamond. I am now confused because my story breaks a lot of these rules. Is that a good or a bad thing?

[Elianna]

I have another rule:
The Evil Villian will often be related to the Loser/Hero, or else be an unfathomable evil who has no relations at all.

[Saraphim]

Ha! I love reading books like this. Here's how you can tell if the book in your hand follows the plot mentioned above.

~It has a picture of the Motley Bunch on the front, the women wearing a ridiculous amount of clothing and the young men (or elves) looking more ripped than justifyingly possible.

~Its got a title that either explains the Quest, or some random, foreboding words thrown together: "Night of Shadows" , "Death's Bane" , "Gems of the (Insert Fictional Country Name Here)"

~The synopsis on the back ends with a question, like "Will Falya defeat the Dark King of Girlock and save her people?"

~One of the critics has stated that the book is "...In the true spirit of Tolkien!"

[elronds_daughter]

Ha! that's great. maybe i should write something following all the rules, and see how it turnes out... nah. it'd take waaaay too long. i'm don't have that much paticence.

[Audreidi]

Yes, well, perhaps one could put a certain spin to it, and pass it off as a comedy of sorts. I might give it a shot this summer if I've nothing else to do. Wonderful list, Diamond18. Very funny...and pathetically true, in some cases of "original fiction" I've seen...

[Duncariel]

~It has a picture of the Motley Bunch on the front, the women wearing a ridiculous amount of clothing and the young men (or elves) looking more ripped than justifyingly possible.

Oh, wow. That is about as true about Fantasy novels (the really, odd, bad ones, at least), as you can get.

It is truly sad when you can read through this and go, "Oh my gosh, I just read a book exactly like that!", and it said New York Times Best Seller on the front. Do they write books like this just for the people out there who have trouble with reality? Or do they really think that they can write? Thank God for people like Tad Williams. If you haven't read any of his books, then you should. Second only to Tolkien..... truly. Although, it does say "A must read for Tolkien fans"...... Hmmmmmmmm...